I Hate Portals
by NeonZangetsu
Summary: I hate portals. Nasty, vile things, prone to malfunction at the worst of times. Mine sure did! An experiment gone awry strands an unpredictable, knuckleheaded ninja in a strange world of magic and monsters. Should he survive, he just might find a way home...if the Wild Hunt doesn't kill him, first. Loads of sass and humor. NarutoxCiri? Pairing undecided. Vote!
1. I Hate Portals

**A/N: Howdy!**

 **Disclaimer: As ever, I only own the idea for this crossover. I do NOT own any references, quotes, or quips contained within this story and they belong to their respective owners. I repeat!**

 **I.**

 **OWN.**

 **NOTHING.**

 **So...I just heard about the massacre in Florida. My prayers go out to all who are hurting and in need. And to the bastard who did it all and offed himself...MAY YOU ROT IN HELL!**

 **...**

 **...**

 **...**

 **Alright, rant over. So I decided to write this, not only to cheer others up, but a few dear friends as well. I've been playing the Witcher: Wild Hunt for a few days now, and I am in LOVE with the characters and the universe as a whole. Now, one line made me laugh my socks off. Geralt's INTENSE dislike of portals. Then we got into the whole manner of portals and Ciri's ability to travel between worlds and the gears started turning in my mind. Mind you, I haven't touched Blood and Wine yet (as of this chapter) so no spoilers, please!**

 **And another important tidbit, this chapter is set before the events of the Wild Hunt.**

 **So here it is...**

 _"Give that back!"_

 _~Naruto._

 **I Hate Portals**

 _I hate portals._

 _There I said, it got it out of the way, right and proper._

 _Bunch of crazy, inane gobbledy-gook! Step into one, and you've no idea where-or WHEN!-you'll end up! Not to mention they like to play havoc on all your important bits! Experiment with seals, they said. It'll be good for you they said. Learn some new tricks, they said! LIES I said! You'd think after all the crap I went through with Madara and Obito this sorta thing would come to me naturally. Two years later-and as I'd learned quite a bit since those awkward years-so it should be easy, right?_

 _Right...?_

 _NOPE!_

 _Suffice it to say I learned all manner of colorful words._

 _Because, despite my very best efforts, in spite of MONTHS of study, I didn't understand a thing. Worse, ol' grandma Tsunade said until I mastered it, I was forbidden from setting foot in Ichiraku. As in...banned! Ergo, no ramen. NO! RAMEN! Do you know what that means?! Ramen is love! Ramen is LIFE! Eh, but I'm getting of track, here._

 _So, you're probably wondering about the title of this story, namely, why I hate portals._

 _It's simple._

 _Ever try crossing three seals bursting with demonic chakra? I did, out of sheer boredom._

 _There you go._

 _Fell right through the floor and into a lake!_

* * *

 _(...)_

* * *

 _"Oi, Bert! Turn him over!"_

 _"I'm trying! He's bloody **heavy!"**_

Mud.

That was Naruto's first thought as he finally came to; soaked, bruised, and covered in muck from head to toe. He suspected the only reason he hadn't drowned outright was because someone had dragged him out onto the bank. Gradually, he became aware of someone-or something-poking him in the side. That sensation soon gave way to the rather unpleasant realization that someone was fleecing his pockets for valuables. It wasn't until someone actually reached _inside his shirt_ that his body understood what his mind was so clearly telling him.

 _Waitaminute!_

"HEY!"

Exploding out of the muck with such force that the grime all but _flew_ from most of his body, he swung blindly. A satisfying yelp answered, bone and cartillege folding beneath the clenched knuckles of his fist. Some idiot tried to grab his legs and he retaliated with a bone-crushing kick to the ribs, even as he scrubbed at his eyes with the back of a hand. Mud in your eyes was always unpleasant to say the least, downright painful near the worse; because for some damnable reason his eyes were absolutely _burning..._

By the time his vision finally returned, he found himself staring at a pair of bearded, bloodied and very much bruised imbeciles sprawled at his feet. It didn't matter that the thieves wore little more than rags _-he'd never seen clothing like that, come to think of it_ -or even that they were glaring at him as though he were the devil himself. Perhaps they thought he was. Again, that didn't register with him.

Because one of _them_ was holding one of _his_ kunai.

"Give me that!" Snarling, Naruto ripped the knife out of the man's hand and smacked him upside the head with the blunt end for good measure. His partner in question yelped and skittered backwards on his hands and knees like a drunken crab.

"By the eternal fire!"

Naruto couldn't help himself.

He blinked.

 _"Eternal what now?"_

"Those eyes!" the other, the one he'd struck, exclaimed. "Eyes like a cat! 'Tis a Witcher! You didn't tell me he were a WITCHER, Peter!"

"I didn't bloody know!" his bearded comrade bleated!

"He's right to gut us for this, he is!"

"Witchers don't kill people!"

"But we stole his shite!"

"Bollocks!"

Amusing as it might have been to watch two grown men bicker themselves half to death, Naruto found his temper slipping its leash with each passing moment. He was cold, shivering, had no idea where he was, and, more importantly, these two idiots-THIEVES-had his shirt and all his possessions tucked away between them. One term pricked at him like a thorn, holding his interest. Eyes flitted back and forth in the waning light of the setting sun, narrowing angrily.

 _'Witcher? The fuck does that have to do with my-nevermind. Later.'_

"Give me back the rest of my stuff." his voice dropped into a snarl. _"NOW!"_

Fumbling hands returned the rest of his good to him, vest and all. Unfortunately his gear, jumpsuit and all, was horridly damp and stank of the bog.

"Right, so we're good, now?"

For a brief moment, Naruto honestly considered taking _his_ stuff and thrashing the man besides. One look at a nearby puddle confirmed the man's words as well as his own secret suspicions; his blue eyes were somehow gone-replaced by the angry red fox-slit's of Kurama. That didn't bother him so much as it did annoy. The where was confusing enough; beause he didn't recognize his surroundings, not a wit. But, when he tried to think of the how, memory escaped him. There was a blank space somewhere in his mind somewhere between now and the last time he'd been screwing with those seals.

His last memory was of crossing that threshold then...

...nothing.

Naruto sighed.

"Look, can you just tell me where the hell I am and point me to the nearest-

Whatever else he might've said died when he saw the mounting horror dawning on their faces, their visages going chalk white before his very eyes. At first he thought they were actually afraid of him but no, they were backing away from him and one was gesturing frantically. And _what_ was that god-awful gurgling sound behind him...?

"Shite!" the bearded man cried. "Drowners! Run for your life!"

Against his will, Naruto Uzumaki found himself turning, craning his neck in the direction of the squall.

He soon wished he hadn't.

Apparently a "Drowner" consisted of large, blue, bloated creatures that liked to roam in packs. Slim and glistening with slime, no less than half a dozen of their number rose up from the bog around them, fangs bared, clawed fingers stretching towards him in a rictus of an embrace. Naruto felt his skin crawl at the sight of them. Drowners. Their namesake and ghastly appearance left precious little to the imagination - of what would befall him if those webbed fingers got ahold of him. His mind revolted violently as they closed in, gurgling.

 _Painfully._

He surrendered to his instincts and flared the cloak.

Nothing happened.

Instead of the all encompassing glow he'd grown so accustomed, he felt only the faintest tugging sensation in his chakra coils. Well. That couldn't be good.

"Oh, you have got to be _kidding-_

His next word found itself lost as the blue beasts swarmed him.

What followed was exactly the rough, no rules, knockdown sort of brawl he excelled in back home.

Two years, after all, had given him plenty of time to hone his taijutsu.

The first Drowner to reach him found itself bereft of a head, its severed skull spinning merrily away until it was lost among the trees. The second, disemboweled as a pair of kunai viciously crosscut deep into its torso, opening twin trenches in its stomach and belching bodily fluids into the swamp to form a ruby red puddle in the waters. By then the remaining four were upon him and Naruto had no more time for conscious thoughts any longer, only instinct. Knives rose and fell, curses and growls were exchanged, blood and bile spattered the ground.

Impossibly, at the end of it all, Naruto found himself standing triumphant.

As the last blue-bloated corpse toppled to the marsh missing most of hits collarbone, he half-expected to find himself left to fend for himself. Imagine his surprise then, when he turned to find to two sods he'd saved rushing to worship the ground at his feet!

"Oh, thank ye master witcher!" the craven-looking one cried. "We never meant to anger ye!"

"Right, right!" His companion hastened to add. "We were just checking! To..ah...make sure you was alive, we were! H-Here!" His hand snapped up and Naruto suddenly found himself holding a pouch filled with what appeared to be a great deal of coin, none that he'd ever seen. "For yer troubles!" They must've seen his scowl, for the latter hastened to add, "Er, we'd be happy to buy you a round back at the inn, give ye a place to dry off. That sound good, master witcher, eh? 'Course it does! Follow us!"

"Now wait just a...

Naruto blinked, watching them recede into the distance.

In the end, seven succinct words came to mind.

...I'm not in Konoha anymore, am I?"

Also!

 _"The fuck is a Witcher?"_

In the end, he didn't have much choice but to follow the peasants out of the swamp. It wasn't as if he could stand here and wait for more of those Drowners to arrive. Perhaps, had he known what was coming, had he realized the adventure that was to follow he would've started walking in the other direction. But he didn't know and so, blind to all that was to come, he followed. He didn't know. How could he have known? If by some fell chance someone were to tell him how it would shape him, that he would change the world, alter it forever, he might've stayed. Yes, had he known these things, well...

...he would have stayed put in that damned swamp.

 **A/N: And there you have it! My first stab at a crossover with the Witcher series! I do hope you liked it! Pairings and suggestions are welcome a plenty! And YES, Naruto clearly isn't a witcher, but the incident with his eyes will have most folk thinking he is. Consider it something of a running gag. What'll happen next? Will our knuckle-headed ninja make it home? Will he even _want_ to?**

 **So in the Immortal Words of Atlas...**

 **...Review, Would You Kindly?**

 **And of course, enjoy the preview of an oncoming chapter!**

 **(Preview)**

 _"Folk say you're a witcher."_

 _"Do I look like a witcher to you?"_

 _"Have you looked in a mirror?"_

 _"Hey, the eyes aren't my fault. They're stuck like this, for some reason. Blame the damn portal."_

 _Geralt nodded in kindred understanding. He HATED portals and they were indeed the bane of man's existence. Still, he couldn't help his own curiosity. For what he'd been told of this one, he'd taken to rallying the locals to defend themselves against the invaders. That wasn't something Witchers normally did unless a great deal of coin was involved. Judging by the tyke following him, he'd even taken on something of an apprentice, and a girl at that! That she shared the same eerie, red eyes wasn't lost on the Witcher, either. No, Geralt decided, he wanted answers, and he would have them, one way or another..._

 _"What's with the kid?"_

 _Those gentle red eyes turned to ice._

 _"None of your damn business."_

 _"Explain the medallion, then."_

 _"Eh?" A scarred hand rose, idly fingering the polished metal around his neck. "This? Someone from Velen carved it for me as thanks for saving her from a pack of ghouls. Why? What school did you think I was from?"_

 _"Dunno. School of the Fox, maybe? Never heard of that one before."_

 _"School of the Fox?" Naruto posited, considering. "Huh. Has a nice ring to it! Look, you were searching for someone, right? A lady with black hair? I might have seen-_

 _That was all he managed before an angry peasant had the gall to club him on the head._

 _"Begone, freak!"_

 _A dark shadow flashed across the young man's face, gone in an instant. Geralt might've thought he'd imagined it altogether were not for the slight twitch in the blond's face, those blazing, burning red eyes. So when Naruto finally straightened, a small smile plastered to his dirty, whiskered cheeks, the Wolf knew at once that they'd erred spectacularly. Given the glaring distrust and scorn he'd been subjected to thus far in White Orchard, he wasn't exactly inclined to intervene._

 _"Feeling brave today, Boris?" Naruto turned, addressing the growing gaggle of men. "See you've brought some friends this time."_

 _"One of you Witcher's was enough! We don't want another!"_

 _"Funny. See, your sister seemed to like me just fine last-_

 _"Shut your trap, freak!"_

 _Naruto's smile grew imperceptibly._

 _"So...really brave?"_

 _*WHAM!*_

 _A piece of rotten fruit thudded home into the ninja's palm, nimbly caught before it could splatter across his face. The rod was not. It struck the retired shinobi dead in the back of the noggin, snapping his head back with an audible crack. Even then he didn't move, didn't so much as stumble a single step. When next he turned his gaze upon the mob, his eyes seemed to glow like red hot pokers inside his skull. A hand rose to the staff at his back, unlimbering the lengthy weapon with quiet menace._

 _"I hope you're happy."_

 _"Oh." The culprit blinked, backpedaling, perhaps finally realizing the gravity of his error. "Oh. I...ah...fuck. Mistakes were made."_

 _Naruto growled._

 _"And they were yours."_

 _Then he flew at them._

 ** _R &R~! =D_**


	2. I Love Witchers

**A/N:** **So, it seems this story is a hit, after all! Unfortunately, some aren't too keen on crossovers, it seems. Death threats and promises of imminent pain aside that, one such guest had this to say:**

 _From: fyi (Guest)_  
 _-_

 _fyi:oh god...not you...i have been on the look out for ever since i read one of fics. but that's impossible because you fuxking infect all fandoms! you can go ruin all the other fandoms there but not this. please._

 ** _From my Frozen fic:_**

 _From: Squarekiddo ( u/6123855/ )_  
 _Reply URL: . ?rwid=238787896_  
 _-_

 _No thanks, I was looking for a Naruto/Frozen Crossover, not a Frozen story with an OC named Naruto._

 ** _And on another story:_**

 _From: Guest_  
 _-_

 _:My god someone should shoot you for coming up with this s***._

 **AND ANOTHER:**

From: Guest  
 _-_

 _:Like the rest of your stories, its so disjointed. You seem incapable of actually writing a story that flows well_

 _You should quit writing and start something a bit differen_ t.

 **THOSE WERE SOME ONE OF THE NICE ONES, JEEZ! And don't use a guest account so I can't reply. CONSIDER THIS THAT REPLY! SHAME! SHAME! Excusing the utter lack of diction, I've since deleted this message, but I'm a little hurt, to be honest. I suppose you can't please everyone these days. I suppose I can only say that if you don't like it, don't read, don't review, and please don't hate? But I don't infect fandoms, do I?**

 **...**

 **...**

 **...**

 **...guys?**

 **I think I'm just going to crawl into a hole for awhile. Don't mind me and my fragile self-esteem...**

 **...**

 **...**

 **...**

 **Alright, sulking over.** **On a more positive note, I HAVE A NEW JOB! At my local bookstore! Huzzah! And did I mention...THE NEW GOT SOUNDTRACK IS OUT ON ITUNES! BUY IT NOW! SOOOO INSPIRING. Really helped me write this chapter, Witcher or not =D**

 **And another important tidbit, THIS particular chapter is set both before and DURING the events of the Wild Hunt.**

 **So here it is...the next chapter!**

 **Also, you might recognize some characters making a cameo here. 'TIS intentional, I assure you. One more warning: Naruto DOES kill people in this chapter, so if you're not comfortable with that sort of thing, leave now. Though considering who he offs, I don't think you'll mind to much.**

 _"Wha-What're you doing?"_

 _"Killing monsters."_

 _~?_

 **I Love Witchers**

 _I love Witchers._

 _They're absolutely spectacular! I mean, I've only ever known a handful, and knowing what I know now, I don't understand how I could possibly be compared to them._

 _I'll admit, the ones I've met are mostly grumps or cheeky dickwaffles, but still!_

 _Most are far nobler than I am._

 _So in case you're wondering, yes, this is going to become a bit of a recurring theme in my tale. Hate, love, hate, love again. I think its rather appropriate, given what I've been through thus far. Oh, and just because you're reading this, don't assume I'm alive. I could be dead, for all you know; you who are no doubt rifling through my things. I could've died spectacularly-went out in a blaze of a glory, much to the crippling despair of all my beloved fans and womenfolk everywhere._

 _Or maybe I'm just pulling your leg._

 _Ha!_

 _Makes you think, doesn't it? If I'm dead, you're essentially robbing my grave, which means you're like to get yourself cursed or killed, because I LOVE my traps. If not, ser thief, then you're in for a world of hurt once I-we now, I suppose-find you. My family doesn't like people sifting through our things._

 _My kids?_

 _Even less so._

 _But, dead or alive, I still have a tale to tell and we're getting off the beating track, here. I was telling you why I respect Witchers, so._

 _You see, once word of my little stunt with the Drowners back in the swamp got round...it made me something of a local hero back in White Orchard. Which was nowhere near Konoha, I was soon dismayed to learn. Or anywhere in the Elemental Nations, actually. Putting THAT shock aside, I soon found myself put up on something of a pedestal by the locals. ESPECIALLY after I gave them their coin back. They were very happy about that. Even offered me room and board in exchange!_

 _What?_

 _Why the long face?_

 _What was I supposed to do?_

 _I was too guilty to keep the money, okay?!_

 _But their case of mistaken identity afforded me a great deal of hospitality...for a time._

* * *

 _(...)_

* * *

 _"Three cheers for Master Witcher!"_

"Huzzah!"

 _"Huzzah!"_

 _ **"HUZZAH!"**_

...huzzah."

Naruto weakly raised an arm in repose as flagons of ale rose once more in a hearty toast, heedless of the merrymaking around him. Peter and Bert had been right on that account at east. A bit of warmth and a hot meal in his body had done much to restore his strength, if not his spirits. Somehow, he doubted the drink in his hand -free or no- would do anything in that regard anytime soon. Thus far, he hadn't drank a drop. Where he to do so he suspected he'd get utterly soused and land himself in an even bigger predicament than he was already.

At least he'd recovered some of his chakra. That was better than nothing. He'd managed to form a rasengan when no one was looking so there was that, at least. Still mum on the cloak, though.

Better than being stranded without powers at least.

Because Naruto was indeed _stranded,_ not on a different continent as he'd first suspected, but on a different world altogether. His worst suspicions were confirmed when he'd received baffled looks at the mention of shinobi, chakra, and the like. Their own terms proved equally baffling, with all this talk of Temeria, Redania, kings and wars and Nilfgaard. Lot of hate for those guys, whomever they were. Apparently _they_ were the enemy and the village didn't care one wit for 'em. Of course, since he was a Witcher, they believed him to be neutral in such things.

Naruto had long since given up trying to dissuade them otherwise.

It was pointless to explain to the good people of White Orchard that he was in fact a shinobi. Not a Witcher. These folk _thought_ he was a Witcher and he had _eyes_ like a Witcher, so ergo, a Witcher he was. They'd even gifted him with a pair of nasty-looking curved sickles to to, as Elsa the inkeep had put it _"make up for those weapons ye lost, master"._ They were currently resting on the table beside him his mug; because _he hadn't a damn clue what to do with them_. Nevermind that he'd never trained in swordsmanship a day in his life! He'd have to keep them of course; somehow, he doubted they would take kindly if he tried to sell them.

Which left him quite flummoxed as to what he _should_ do.

So there he sat, nursing a full mug, not entirely sure whether to drink or leave it lay. It was all well and good that they'd given him a place to stay _-even if he did have to share it with one of the men who'd nearly fleeced him-_ but even with a roof over his head and a celebration being thrown in his honor, he had no idea what to do with himself.

As such, he was quite surprised when someone claimed the seat across from him. Naruto was immediately struck by how large the man was-as though someone had carved a mountain from granite and given it human form and tossed in an apron and ugly brown rags for good measure-still, he _had_ sat down. His visage resembled something of a craggy cliff-face, even his flat forehead shared the likeness of one with its bulging brows, stern jaw and narrow, beady eyes.

"So, you got a name...?"

Any expectations Naruto might've had of striking up a conversation withered when he saw his guest's face.

He realized his mistake then.

Those eyes were filled with pure, un-distilled hatred.

"Boris. And you should move on, freak." the words emerged as a deep growl. "You're kind isn't welcome here."

Ah, now this was something he was more than familiar with. There had been no shortage of animosity for him in Konoha-way back in the early days. He'd overcome that to become something more, someone great, an indomitable shinobi who'd triumphed over enemy ninja organizations, madmen and demons to defeat a living _goddess._ Compared to a lone peasant grumbling at him over misbegotten prejudices? At ignorant idiot who thought he could make a man of himself by picking fights where there were none to be had?

That was about as frightening as Mizuki.

"I'm quite happy here, thank you." Lies, of course, but he wasn't about to give this idiot the satisfaction of seeing his anger. "And I'm afraid the rest of the village doesn't share your opinion."

"Doesn't matter, witch fucker." the aptly-named Boris snarled. "They'll see your true colors soon enough."

"My colors are orange. And I have not fucked a witch." Naruto protested, indignant. "Never even seen one."

"Eyes say different." the smith snarled.

"Whatever you say."

"Oh, yeah? Well I say _bugger off."_

And now they came to the insults!

Naruto flashed his teeth at the large man. Something about the situation must've brought the inner snark out in him; because the next thing he knew he'd drained his mug to the last drop and stood, matching the brute glare for glare. His hand twitched, aching to sock him in the nose. And why shouldn't he?! What did he owe this man, hmm?!

"See this mug, here?" he waved the now empty mug about in the man's face, "I could "bugger" you with it three ways to Sunday before you could blink. So. Watch. Your. Words."

"Go ahead." Boris challenged. "Prove me right. You lot are nothing bu-

 _CLUNK!_

That was all he managed before someone clobbered him with a mug and left him in an insensate heap on the floor. Surprisingly, it wasn't Naruto. To his disbelief-and amusement-someone else had beaten him to it. He was remarkable if only for being utterly _unremarkable,_ gaunt and thin in plain clothes, a strange bowl-cut to his dark hair and a bushy mustache.

"You're drunk, Boris." he disparaged the man writhing on the deck. "Oi, lads! Take this lout home and let him soak his head."

"You're no hero, Witcher! You can't save anyone!" Boris shouted at their backs as a pair of men dragged him off a slur to his words. "You can't even save yourself! You'll see! YOU'LL ALL SEE!" raving, he thrashed again those holding him but to no avail, with a heave and-a-ho, he was soon flung outside into the muck. He did not return.

"Sorry about him." the newcomer sighed. "He's got a bit of a sore spot for your kind, that one."

Naruto bit back a grimace of his own and reluctantly returned his mug to the table, painfully aware of how close he'd come to slipping. What in blazes was wrong with him? For a moment there, he'd actually wanted to _hurt_ someone. Granted, that someone had been poking and prodding him. The thought shocked him. He'd never

"What's his story?"

"Monster snatched his pregnant wife a ways back." the stranger paused, a rueful look coming over him. "He put up a contract on the beast straight away and sure enough, a Witcher came. But he refused to take on the job-said the pay wasn't enough. We found her body three days later. Boris never got over it. Thinks if the Witcher acted sooner he might still have his lass. Now...

"That's horrible!"

"Aye, such are the times," his rescuer shrugged.

A beat of silence passed between them, in which Naruto grew restless and curious all at once.

"And you are?"

"Ah, my apologies, master. I'm Bram." the interloper introduced himself with a bow. "I heard what you did for Bert and Peter, giving them back their coin and all. That was right generous of ya. C'mon. The lads and I've set up a table in the back. You're more than welcome to it. Ya play Gwent?"

"Gwent?" Naruto blinked as he allowed himself to be led the rear of the inn. "Wait, what's gwen-?" Alas, his remark found only silence in the townsfolk, swallowed up in the chaos. Four men and two women awaited him there, each eyeing him with varying degrees of interest. Thankfully none of them proved outright hostile.

"This here's Samwell." Bram said, introducing a rather portly fellow in grey leathers seemingly intent on polishing off rather large pewter tankard, "The one wearing the brown dress is his lass, Gilly," The young woman smiled pleasantly, "The all in black with the curls is Jon." Unsurprisingly, the man merely grunted. Bram laughed. "Don't let his frown fool you; he's a right friendly chap once you get past all the brooding. The redhead's Ygritte, Jon's wife. Stay on her good side if ya know what's good for ye. And you know Peter...?"

Naruto scowled.

"Yes. We've met."

"Terribly sorry about that mess in the swamp." the young man groveled as the blond slid onto the bench beside him. "Won't happen again."

"See that it doesn't!"

"Alright, enough talkin'! Whose up for a few rounds?"

"I'm...not sure I understand." Naruto said. "What's gwent?"

Jon nearly choked on his own spit!

"Well, ya need a deck, first and-

"Don't have one."

Bram's pals looked at him like he was half-mad.

"Life that hard on the Path for you, Witcher?" Ygritte asked. "To not even have time to play cards?!"

Sam guffawed.

 _"Unbelievable!"_

Naruto simply shrugged.

"Here, I have a spare." Bram handed him a green-looking deck. "Hope you don't mind playing as Scoia'tael."

"Scoi-wha? You know what? Nevermind. How do we do this?"

"Well, you play like...

Bram went on at great length to explain the rules, much to his dismay. Naruto, having never played a game of cards in his life, found it woefully complicated. How did you _win_ this sort of thing?! When his turn inevitably came he flailed helplessly with the Northern deck he'd been given, throwing down whatever looked good. There was no possible way for him to triumph, right?

 _Right?_

Against all odds, he did just that.

Bran whistled softly.

"Well, I'll be! You beat me, fair and square! Not bad for a beginner."

"My turn." Jon decreed...

...his turn to lose, apparently.

Sam snickered and pulled out his own deck...

...and promptly lost as well.

"You know nothing, Jon Snow." Yrgritte drawled, "Move over."

Somehow he beat her, too.

"What the shit?!"

"Talk about the devil's luck." Bram murmured. "You certainly caught on fast."

"Eh, skill through repetition I suppose."

Naruto wisely neglected to mention that the first round _had_ in fact, been blind luck; he'd just thrown cards down at random! From there he both begun to learn, and somehow remained _incredibly_ lucky Suddenly glad that he hadn't decided to play for coin after all-for coin he no longer had!-he accepted their offer and played on. At some point, someone filled his mug again, and he drank it down it without a second thought. By the next round he'd drained more than three but by _then_ he was enjoying himself far too much to care. Gwent proved itself a _very_ addicting game and it was a good thing he wasn't playing for coin, else when _Gilly_ finally trounced him he would've lost the very clothes off his back.

At length the inn emptied for the night and he bid his new acquaintances farewell until the morn.

"Sleep well, Witcher!" Bram called at his back, bearing an insensate Peter on his shoulder, "And good luck on the Path!"

Naruto waved quietly and set off, following the directions they'd left with him.

Unfortunately he wasn't acquainted with his new surroundings and even in a small village like White Orchard it was easy to loose one's bearings. The description of the cottage where he would be staying resembled nigh but all the others and knocking on the doors earned him no reprieve. At a loss for what else to do and with no one to answer him, he let his feet carry him. He wasn't sure what, but something compelled him to do so, to keep walking. Before long he'd and the the village was little more than a faint series of burning torches in the distance and he was alone with his thoughts once more.

Distantly some small part of him was aware of something watching him. Something large. But whatever prowled the night seemed more wary of him than he was of it and thus, he walked unmolested.

One by one the sounds of the night manifested around him. Crickets chirped restlessly in the brush, fireflies rose to brighten the night like tiny golden suns. In that aspect at least, this world wasn't so different from his. Their sky however, now that was a different matter. So many different stars. So many, and he recognize none of them, none at all.

It hit him, then.

He was well and truly stuck here.

So how the hell was he going to get home?

The answer, quite literally, crashed into him.

"Oomph!" One moment Naruto Uzumaki was gazing up at the wide open sky of an alien world and quietly despairing his fate, the next someone bowled into him head over heels. A flash of white hair and wild eyes filled his vision as he tumbled, then found himself pinned-quite literally-to the grassy earth. A heartbeat later he found himself up staring into wide, emerald green eyes. Ashen tresses framing a gentle, scarred visage tickled his own face, causing his nose to twitch violently. _Oh._ he froze. No. _Nonononononono! Don't you dare...!_ Too late; the sneeze ripped through him a moment later with a thunderous:

"ACHOO!"

That was all he'd time for before the young woman cried out, planted her hands planted against his chest and sprang away, scrubbing furiously at her face.

Not exactly the best way to introduce oneself to a lady.

"Ugh! Blech! Disgusting!" she wailed! "Why did you _do_ that?!"

"Me?!" Naruto scrambled to his feet, face burning from more than a bit of shame. "You're the one who came crashing out of nowhere! Watch where you're going, ya know!" He found himself presented with the briefest glimpse of her attire, battered white shirt and torn pants -and one hell of a sword on her back!- before those angry green orbs locked onto him like jade daggers. For a fleeting heartbeat he honestly thought she might just draw that sword and attempt to hack him to pieces.

Incredibly, she didn't.

"Wait. You're a...witcher...?" her posture relaxed, if only slightly. Nonplussed, she straightened up, dusting herself off. "How odd. I didn't expect to find one of you out here."

Naruto spun away from her questing gaze, growling softly. "Why does everyone keep _calling_ me that?!"

"...because you are one?" the young lady offered curiously, tilting her head.

 _"Aaargh!_ Look, lady," the crippled shinobi paused. "Who the heck're you?"

The ashen-haired girl froze, her lips pursing in a thin line.

"I don't see how that's any of your concern, Witcher."

"Look, I am NOT-

"Oh, no." She stiffened suddenly in the corner of his eye, a look of sheer flitting across her every feature. "You have to run! You can't be here!"

"What are you _-gah!"_

Something scratched at the back of his senses like a rusty knife, growing more intense with each passing second until he was physically gritting his teeth against it. Pain. It hit him all at once; an angry, blinding eclipse of pain banging about behind his skull, nearly bringing him to his knees. Sweet merciful heaven what _was_ this? It felt like something was trying to rip him apart from the inside out! A blinding flash was his only warning. Then the piercing noise in his skull vanished and reality suddenly tore itself apart, spilling out riders in eerie black armor.

Something that could only be called a portal had opened before him, which would've been all well and good...

...if said riders weren't trying to run him down!

"Away with you, _dh'oine!"_ one of them growled as he vaulted aside! "This is not your affair!"

Affair or not, that didn't stop the horseman from trying to cut him down when he swept past. The clatter of hooves filled his ears a moment later as another tried to emulate his comrade and run him down.

This time he was ready.

Years of reflexes-honed to a razor's edge-kicked in and he batted the sword aside with the flat of his hand, wincing slightly as a thin rent opened in his palm. Then, in a single fluid movement, he reached up and yanked the horse by the reigns, jerking it to a jarring halt before it could circle around. A flash of burning cold passed through his arm for the briefest moment, leaving his fingers numb, but still he held fast 'till the beast reared back on its hind legs, depositing its rider in a groaning heap, weighed down by the very armor that protected him. Naruto released the reigns and pounced on him, Rasengan in hand-

-and nearly found himself impaled for his reckless assault.

A blade like frigid ice whisked across the blond's right shoulder from his flank, biting through muscle and bone as though they were naught but butter. Had he not turned aside at the last instant he wouldn't have lived to see his legs buckle, to taste blood in his mouth. Incredulous, he turned his gaze to the sword sticking out of him, heard the thunderous laughter of the man who, for all intensive purposes, was about to slay him.

Something snapped inside him, then.

 _...are you fucking serious? I AIN'T DYING **HERE!'**_

Amidst the blaze of pain, the anger, and the blistering agony, an entire day's worth of frustration and rage boiled over. In that instant sanity abandoned Uzumaki Naruto and a red haze fell over his vision. Ignoring the biting pain in his collarbone he snapped his gaze back to his first victim, the man still pinned beneath him and smashed down against his chest with the spiraling sphere.

 _Hard._

An almighty and unholy _CRUNCH_ resounded in his ears, but by then his body was already moving of its own accord. With his good hand he reached back and pulled on the blade still embedded in both muscle and bone, yanking his would-be-killer forward from his feet. He didn't even wait for the man to get his sword out, he simply turned-fingers crooked into claws-and seized that eerie skull-helmet in a hand. A small, strangled sound not unlike a whimper issued forth from behind that death rictus of a helmet as its owner found himself hoisted off the ground.

Then Naruto began to squeeze _,_ shimmering digits clenching down around iron and steel.

Say what you will about armor, it doesn't last long under pressure. Certainly not against demonic chakra. Gauntlet fingers clawed at his arm, drawing bloody red furrows in the skin but to no avail. The iron vice upon his skull only drew tighter, buckling the metal with each passing breath. The horseman's struggles became wild and sporadic now, his legs kicking out furiously. One of those boots found the blade still buried in his chest, its iron toe sending a bolt of pain arching down the blond's spine. He only squeezed harder.

 _"No,"_ a dry rasp echoed behind the helm. _"Stop...don't..._

 **"I'm sorry,"** Naruto cocked his head, snarling as he leered up at him. **"What was that? I didn't hear you over the sound of your head _bursting."_**

With a final clench, the warrior's head exploded in a virulent shower of metal bits and gore, spattering his face. He flung what was left of the body into the nearest hunstman, slamming him off his mount with a grunt of pain. Naruto lunged after him with a snarl, pausing only when his knife shattered against the armor. Well, _shit._ Whipping out one of his hooked sickles, he yanked the man's helmet free and cut his man's throat instead, opening a ghastly red smile from ear to ear.

"Human scum!" a warrior cried!

 _ **"Says the man who tried to chop my head off!"**_

Spurring his horse forward, the leader made to charge-

-and promptly found a sickle buried in his left eye for his valiant efforts.

The injured shinobi lowered his outstretched arm, wincing slightly. Aim was off. In the time that it took for the rider to fall from his horse, however, another warrior was already upon him, sword raised for a cleaving blow. Damn. Naruto found he had just enough time to raise his remaining weapon and pray for a block.

Merely parrying left his arm numb, but somehow, he held on. The next blow presented him with the opening he sought.

Naruto stepped back, rode the overhand strike home and cut the man's legs out from under him in a brutal horizontal cut. The sickle sliced down on the prone warrior, found a gap in the armor at the armpit and tasted blood.

The white-haired girl had already dispatched two of them herself but she was already flagging, favoring her right leg. By the time he'd reached her, she'd slain two more, seeming to flit in and out of sight like an angry white wraith, dealing death wherever she stepped. Perhaps had he been in his right mind, the thought would have given him pause. Alas, his blood was well and truly up for the first time in a long time and enraged as he was, he didn't give it a second thought, for it seemed the Hunt had brought more than just men.

They had beasts as well.

Nasty, brutish and covered in ice-like protusions, the nearest such creature snapped at him when he drew close, no doubt thinking the wounded ninja easy prey.

 _'That so?!'_

A chakra-enhanced kick disabused it of that notion, alongside much of its head.

Only five remained now, and he could feel his strength beginning to wane.

So was the girl.

Running at her pursuers in a tightening circle he flung one of his three remaining _shuriken_ in their direction. The throwing star bounced harmlessly off a brute's armored back and a grunt of annoyance answered, but the warrior glanced at him all the same. _Last mistake._ The brief distraction cost him most dear; for in the next instant the girl's blade lashed out, splitting him in two and sending the steaming, severed halves toppling to the ground in a shuddering heap. Two steps later, and he was back in the fray.

What followed next would forever be a blur in his mind.

 _'Gotcha.'_

Naruto kicked out and scissored the nearest's legs out from under him, but before he could finish the job an axe buried itself in his hip. Riding an adrenaline high as he was, he barely noticed it all; only to rip the weapon free and fling it back at its owner. Howling in untold fury, he pounced on the unfortunate axe-thrower, driving the sickle home once, twice, three times between the grooves of his back. Leaping from his falling corpse he fell upon the third with a shout, smashing him to the ground for the girl to finish. Rounding upon the last, who was only just now finding his feet, he hooked his fingers around the man's ankle and _yanked._ The man's leg flew free from his body like wet tissue paper and his body crumpled not long thereafter beside it.

Just like that, it was done.

Slowly-painfully-the blood rage began to fade as he realized the enemy had long departed, having since fled back through the portal. Now even that was gone, replaced by a deafening silence.

There was nothing left to kill.

He'd ended lives without thinking, without remorse, twice in one day. The thought shook him as he returned the sickles to his back. A brief spark of admiration flashed through his mind. Sturdy. They'd lasted longer than his knives. He recalled someone mentioning that a dwarf had made them. He would have to thank this dwarf someday, in person. But that was for later. Now came the guilt. When he laid eyes unfettered by rage upon his handiwork, he nearly vomited outright.

Twice now.

He'd slain almost an entire band of men without even realizing it. Worse, he'd enjoyed himself! Oh, maker...

"Are you alright?"

The girl called to him then, distracting him. Her face went white when he turned; when she saw his wounds.

"You've, ah," she swallowed thickly when he didn't seem to notice, "You've got something there. In your...chest."

"Speak for yourself." Naruto wheezed. "You're bleeding, too."

She laughed, touching a hand to her leg. "I suppose I am."

To his disbelief, he joined her, if only for a moment.

Theirs was a laughter borne out of desperation, exhaustion and relief intertwined, knowing that they'd live to see another day. Merely knowing that they'd lived, after coming so close to death...it was therapeutic to say the least. At length, when he could breathe again without fear of choking on his own blood, Naruto finally found his voice.

"Any idea who they were?" he nudged one of the armored corpses warily, "Or why they were after you?"

Just like that, her face closed down.

"I can't say."

"Oh. Well-

 _"Ciri."_

Naruto blinked. "Ha?"

"You wanted to know who I was." the ashen-haired girl crossed her arms before her chest, "That, I can tell. I'm Ciri."

"Naruto."

"A strange name."

"So is yours!" he needled.

...point taken."

A beat of silence passed between them,

"I've never seen someone fight like that, before."

"Like what?" Ah, there was that frown again. "Like a woman?"

"No...I've known some pretty scary women. And none of them ever fought like that."

"Oh." Ciri blinked. "Well, thank you. Do have any bandages, perchance?"

"Eh? Sure, here." He tossed her what little he'd had on him before the mess started. The ashen-haired lass accepted them gratefully, but dithered once more at the sight of his wounds.

"Are you going to be alright?"

"What, this?" Naruto actually found himself laughing when her eyes strayed back to the sword jutting out of his shoulder. "Don't worry about it. I've had _waaay_ worse happen to me." He wisely neglected to mention that he'd all but _died_ once already. Compared to that, this was nothing. It was going to hurt once he pulled it out _sure_ but he wouldn't bleed to death. Hopefully. Probably. Maybe...? With that less than pleasing thought keen in his mind he turned his back and began to bandage his less-than-critical wounds.

"Thank you, Naruto." Ciri said suddenly. "I won't forget this."

It sounded suspiciously like a farewell.

He spun, startled.

"Now wait just a...!"

A flicker of a smile and she was gone. She didn't run off. She simply...

...vanished in a flash of pale light.

Leaving Naruto there, alone, in a field of corpses, with a sword sticking out of his chest.

"Well, shit."

Nervously, he poked at the blade...

...and a spike of pain shot through him, nearly driving him to his knees.

"Ah, fuck." Steeling himself he gripped the blade with both hands and began to count, quietly praying the wound would heal before he bled out. "Thought I was done getting stabbed like this. Okay. Okay." he murmured desperately, trying to psyche himself up for what he knew was coming. "One." he inhaled sharply, "Two." Red eyes squeezed themselves shut, "Threeeeeeeee _eeeeeeeeearghmotherfucker!"_

To his relief the sword came free with little resistance, only pain. It was a very nice blade, after all. Perhaps he'd keep it.

When he finally stopped hyperventilating he found that the wound did in fact, mend in a few minutes, and he was able to limp back to the village, new weapon in tow.

As fate would have it the fog clouding his senses soon vanished, and he finally found his way with only minimal stumbling. The "home" he'd been given resembled little more than a hovel, built on thatch and would and straw, but it would have to do. With his mind fuzzed over from the ale, he didn't once stop to remember just who he would be sharing said home with. The door swung open loosely at his touch and he stumbled up the steps, wanting nothing more than to cur up on a cot and fall asleep. Hmm...did they even _have_ cots here? Food for thought...

Unfortunately his trials were not yet over, for a familiar, gaunt-looking fellow was waiting up for him behind the door.

Wait a minute.

He recognized that patchy beard. That face.

Which meant he was sharing this house with...

 **"YOU!"**

"Now, now, master Witcher!" Bert raised his hands when he saw the wrath burning in the ninja's eyes, "Lets have bygones be bygones! I mean you no harm!" Naruto found himself sorely tempted to _harm_ the man over the head with the flat of his new weapons but stayed himself at the last moment. Right. He was trying to _refrain_ from violence, lest he have another episode as he'd had in the inn. _Damnit why was he so irritated?_ Ever since he'd crashed in the swamp his head had been spinning and the excess booze was _not_ helping right now. In the end, it took all he had to simply growl:

"Whaddya want?!"

"I know its much ta ask after what I did ta ye," the merchant wrung his palms together, "But I'm afraid I must ask for your favor."

 _"No."_

"Ye haven't even heard me out!"

"Lookie here beard boy," Naruto began slowly, choosing each word with great care, "It is late, I was just in the fight of my life, and I've had entirely too much to drink. Do you understand?" he nudged him aside with a growl, "I am _tired._ So tired, I feel like I can sleep for a week. Whatever it is can wait until tomorrow morning."

"She might not last till morning!" Bert exclaimed, the words piquing into a shriek.

Naruto blinked.

 _"She?"_

And so it was that he found himself dragged out in the cold night once more, ushered to the edge of the village

The hut couldn't even rightly be called a house, more a shed than anything else.

A small, pale waif of a girl clad in a ragged shirt and breeches awaited them there, her face bruised and blotchy. Someone had clumsily bandaged her head, enough so that, dark hair peeked through the cloth. Her eyes were lidded and open, yet unseeing, brown orbs seeing nothing. If not for the gentle rise and fall of her chest, one might think she was dead already.

"Is she-

"She ain't mine, if that's what yer thinking." Bert piped up at the blond's keen stare. "I've too many mouths to feed as it is. S'ides, she's an elf. I took her and her ma' in a ways back when that mess in the South started."

"An...elf?"

"Aye an elf." the man blinked. "Don't you know what an elf is?"

"...of course." Naruto hesitated, "You just surprised me."

"She's not even ten winters yet," Bert continued plaintively, not hearing him. "Less so when her ma' passed last week. I canna' afford ta feed her before, but this..." he grimaced and averted his gaze, unable to look upon her and her wounds any longer. "Someone beat them. Cracked 'er skull and raped 'er mother bloody. I don't know who did it, but she nae doesn't deserve to be like this. Now she's a' dyin' and the herbalist says there's nothing we can do. You can heal her, can't ye? You Witchers have potions and all that?"

The blond cringed aside.

"I'm not much of a healer...

"Please master, you hafta do _something!"_

Naruto's cringe deepened; because he wasn't rightly sure if he _could._

Sakura's fumbling attempts to teach him anything resembling medical jutsu had been consistent in only one accord; each had been a spectacular failure. Perhaps it had something to do with his temperment. Regardless of the fact, any attempts of his to heal always ended badly on his part. And that had been on fish! He daren't resort to such a thing on a human girl. Whatever potions the man was on about, he didn't know them...wait. It stood to reason that if he could transfer chakra into a seal, couldn't he do that to a human? Kurama's chakra wasn't the same corrosive, hate-filled mess it had once been.

 _"You can't save anyone."_ Boris's words rose in his ear, mocking him. _"You can't even save yourself!"_

That was when he hit upon it.

An idea.

A horrible, mad idea, that might have something to do with him being a bit drunk and weak from blood loss, but one that just might work. What had he to lose for trying? If it failed he could always claim the girl was too far gone...

And if not...?

"You said you can't afford to feed her." Gathering himself up, he addressed the anxious peasant. "What'll you do if she heals?"

"As I said, I canna' afford to feed the wee lass. I'd have to turn her out. But not like this...

In that instant, he made a snap decision.

"She comes with me, then."

Bert paused.

"Aye, master." he agreed, head bobbing. "That's yer right. Reckon she'd have a better life with ye, anyway, being an elf and all."

 _"Excuse me?"_

"Didn't mean anything by it!"

Naruto decided to _ignore that remark,_ lest he say or do something he might regret.

"Got an idea. Might not like it. She might die."

"Ah, I won't say a word, Master Witcher!" Bert swore. "Swear on me mum's grave!"

"Then lock the door."

So he did.

Naruto waited until they were alone.

"Shit." he swore beneath his breath, suddenly hesitant. "Shit, shit, shit. What the hell am I doing?" Hesitant, he ran an eye over the battered girl, and an ember of pity ignited in his chest. Who could so such a thing to a child? A little girl, for crying out loud! And yet what he was about to do could prove far worse. After all, he'd never even remotely attempted such a thing before.

 _'Screw it. Here goes nothing..._

Gently, carefully, he laid his hands on her stomach. His chakra, ever elusive, resisted him at first, fighting him as he dug deeper, searching for that spark-

-until the world went white.

* * *

 _(...)_

* * *

Naruto wasn't quite sure when he blacked out, only that he did.

By the time he came to, his mouth had gone bone dry and his head was pounding like the drums of a great hunt out for his blood. Numb fingers flattered against the floor and pushed upright, cringing as blood rushed back to his limbs, suggesting he'd been locked in this half-sprawled position for a good while.

Slowly, he peeled himself off the floor, wondering what he was doing here. His last memory was of-

He raised his gaze and froze.

The elf was awake.

She sat-perched more like-on the bed, still somewhat pale but healthy. Almost alarmingly so. There was not so much a hint of a bruise on her face or her arms for that matter, and she'd unwound the dressings to reveal a curtain of dark tresses that looked as though they were in a good need of a washing.

But somehow, someway, she was alive.

"Um...hello."

She didn't reply.

The entire time she didn't move a muscle, observing him with wide, red eyes. Wait. Red eyes? That wasn't right. He'd glimpsed them before and they'd been a dark hazel. Not the cat-like slits that were staring back at him as if he were some _fffffffffffffuuuuuck_. His thought ended in an angry expletive as he realized what had happened. Those were Kurama's eyes-now his-and hers as well. The same. A horrid sinking feeling rose in the pit of his stomach swallowing all his relief and turn it to ash in his mouth.

 _'What have I done?'_

They were the _same._

"Do you understand me?" he asked after a long moment.

She blinked back at him with those eerie red eyes.

"Yes, vatt'ghern." her voice was the softest thing he'd ever heard, though that might be from lack of use. "I...thank you."

...what?"

"Witcher." she clarified. "That is what you are."

"I am not-you know what? Nevermind. You got a name, kid?"

...Arwen. My mother is dead, isn't she?" She was far too solemn for her age and it broke his heart in a way that his enemies never could.

"Yes."

The elf girl's glassy eyes watered slightly and she wasn't entirely able to repress a shiver.

"When?"

"Last week."

Arwen tucked her knees into her chest and for a moment, she looked even smaller than she truly was. Feeling as though his heart might burst through his chest, Naruto scraped himself off the floor and stood. Arwen did not resist when he moved to sit beside her. She didn't even whimper. Didn't even look at him.

"I hate to ask this...but do you know who-

"He was large and stank of ale and metal." Arwen mumbled into her arms. "I remember nothing else."

 _'Boris?'_ Naruto bristled, not trusting himself to speak. ' _Thoughts for later.'_

"You were dying." he explained, seeking to distract her. "I saved you. Do you understand that?"

She nodded.

"You...it was dark, for a long time. Something pulled me back. You did that. Why?"

"I...I honestly don't know." he confessed, scratching the back of his head in nervous anxiety. "Wasn't even sure it would work. You survived, at any rate. By the way, you should probably look in a mirror, sometime. Just so you don't frighten yourself, ya know?"

"Why?"

"Well, you're eyes are kinda...red."

"I like red." she said, her voice still numb. "This does not perturb me."

"Well, I guess since you don't have anywhere to go...

...come with me."

She nodded slowly and reached for him.

A small hand wrapped itself around his own.

...I think I would like that, Witcher."

* * *

 _Not sure how much time I spent in White Orchard afterwards._

 _Coulda been weeks._

 _Months?_

 _Years?_

 _Time gets funny in a world without watches; the days and nights blended together until i finally lost track of them altogether. I learned to use my new weapons well enough not to cut myself with them. You could say I'd gotten rather handy with it. My little stunt with Arwen earned me a fair bit of distrust in the beginning, but when it became apparent I wasn't about to do it again, or even accepting payment for any of the occasional old monster, so-called heroic deeds, they became downright cheery. Except Boris. He remained every bit the ass I had first pegged him for after our first meeting._

 _The bastard even managed to turn a few to his way of thinking, pox on him. In the end, I wasn't able to prove my first suspicions, so I didn't voice them. What? What's with the look? Even **I** know better than to up and KILL someone without proof that they're a dickbag! Give me some credit at least!_

 _I DID rough him up a bit, though._

 _I traveled a bit after, but Velen didn't much suit me, so back to the Orchard I came._

 _When war finally broke out, I stayed._ _Wasn't anywhere for me to go, at that point, ya know?_

 _I knew it couldn't last._

 _When the Nilfgaardian's first came to White Orchard and demanded the village's allegiance I tanned their hides and them running back to their garrison with their tails between their legs-without their armor. When they came back a second time with a few of their friends, I devised a more inventive punishment. Ever had an Arrow to the Knee? Turns out Arwen's a mean little thing when it comes to archery. Who would have guessed it, eh? Didn't have to teach her a thing!_

 _Now, the third time, heh, that was the charm for us._

 _Did you know alcohol is flammable? Those Nilfgaardians certainly didn't. Funny how a barrel full of booze and a few bees can send even the most hardened men shrieking like a bunch of little girls. That worked for a while. Then came the traps, boobied and otherwise, until they finally gave up on us altogether._ _Suppose they thought a single village just wasn't worth it._

 _And for a time, everything was downright peaceful afterward._

 _Until the day finally came when two Wolves rode into to White Orchard._

* * *

 _(We Now Enter into the Events of Wild Hunt...)_

* * *

"Oh, a thousand thank-you's master witchers! Always knew yours was an honorable guild!"

Bram all but threw himself at the feet of his rescuers, blubbering like a madman. Geralt didn't blame him. If they'd been a few second slower the man would've been a meal for that Griffin. When the merchant asked if they wanted coin he kindly turned him down. Probably didn't have that much on him anyway, not after the beast ravaged his goods. The man's gratitude was to be expected. They'd just saved his life after all, and as a bonus, he got to keep what little coin he had.

Geralt _wasn't_ expecting the smile that followed.

"Ah, you're like our Witcher!" Bram declared. "Good on you!"

"What?" Vesemir blinked. "Another Witcher?"

The merchant laughed.

"Aye, Naruto! Been with a us a few years, he has." he drew closer and whispers conspiratorially, "Don't tell anyone, but he's actually a right friendly chap. Cheap, too! Does all sorts of work and doesn't ask for a copper! Helped us defend White Orchard from the Black Ones. Sent em packin' with their tails 'tween their legs! He's the reason they don't own us in these parts!"

Geralt and Vesemir exchanged a glance. A witcher doing something like this was unheard of...

"Tells us more."

"Why?" the merchant suddenly turned hostile. "Want something with him?"

Geralt frowned. "What if we do?"

"Them Black Ones have been after him since the war started." Bram snapped, "And for what? He's a right good man and if you're here to hurt him then I say be off with you!"

...not at all. just happy to meet another brother on the Path." Vesemir soothed, arranging his fingers into the sing of Axii. "Not many of us left these days."

"Oh." Bram blinked, his suspicions vanishing. "I can take ye to him, if ya like."

Geralt restrained a smile.

 _"By all means."_

In the end they escorted the now-compliant Bram into White Orchard itself.

Someone had gone to great lengths to fortify the tiny village within Geralt decided; erecting a massive walls and barred gates were one thing, but whomever had been in charge of the fortifications had clearly prepared themselves for a siege of epic proportions. Arranged on either side were more than a dozen archers, great iron pots that could be tipped over a moments notice, and pivoting palisades, the purpose of which baffled him so much that he actually felt something resembling curiosity.

"Open the gate!" Bram hallooed up at the guard.

The iron-shod door swung open to expose a pair of guards, and a small training yard beyond. But what shocked him was the armor of these so-called "patriots" and their guards, for nearly every grown man wore it with pride. It almost resembled Nilfgaard armor but no, someone had gone to great pangs to strip it of the golden flame and replaced it with Temerian colors. If they were thus armed and armored then it was no wonder that Nilfgaard had failed to capture this village.

Huh...kinda fitting, really.

Vesemir arched an eyebrow.

"Someone's armed them well."

"Looks like it."

Careless of their conversation, Bram led them on a winding path past the barracks and fields.

"I'll stock up on provisions." Vesemir announced as they passed the inn, "Care to go investigate our friend, Geralt? He might know about Yenefer.

The White Wolf grunted.

"Ha! I'll take that as a yes."

He saw him in the yard not a minute later.

Distinguishable if only for his flaming flaxen hair and small armory on his back, the "Witcher" stood out straight away. As they drew closer, Geralt realized why. It wasn't just his strange choice of weapon-though the odd pair of curved sickles certainly were remarkable-that stood out, it was the way he carried himself. It wasn't just those odd, blue-black leathers he wore. It was something more. His eyes were different. Ruby red slits like he'd never seen replaced of the traditional amberish gold. Must've been a different mutation. More striking still was the young elven girl that trailed after him, clad in light green armor of her own.

Even from here Geralt could see her eyes.

The eyes of a Witcher.

Geralt's blood went cold.

"Left, Peter, left!" the blond was verbally drilling a young man as they came within earshot. "You'll never beat the Nilfgaardians like that! Remember the last raid?! You want to end up like Bert?!"

"No, sir!"

"And don't call me sir!"

"Oi, Naruto!" Bram called. "You've a pair of Witchers here to see ye!"

"Naruto" for it seemed that was indeed the Witcher's name, bade Peter farewell and turned his head as Geralt approached. The elven girl shrank back at the sight of him, hiding herself behind the much-taller blond.

"Greetings."

Naruto blinked.

"Do I know you?"

"Could ask you the same thing." Geralt replied, restraining a scowl. "Folk say you're a Witcher."

"Do I look like a Witcher to you?" the man posited.

"Have you looked in a mirror?"

"Hey, the eyes aren't my fault." the blond insisted. "They're stuck like this, for some reason. Blame the damn portal."

Geralt nodded in kindred understanding. He HATED portals and they were indeed the bane of man's existence. Still, he couldn't help his own curiosity. For what he'd been told of this one, he'd taken to rallying the locals to defend themselves against the invaders. That wasn't something Witchers normally did unless a great deal of coin was involved. Judging by the tyke following him, he'd even taken on something of an apprentice, and a girl at that! That she shared the same eerie, red eyes wasn't lost on the Witcher, either. No, Geralt decided, he wanted answers, and he would have them, one way or another...

"What's with the kid?"

The girl stiffened and muttered something in Elder Speech.

Naruto's gentle red eyes turned to ice.

"None of your damn business."

"See, I think it _is_ my damn business." Geralt argued, eyes flashing. "Especially if you've rediscovered the Trial of the Grasses."

Naruto gave him a blank look.

"Arwen's the best damn archer I've ever seen since I landed here." he said slowly, "Once hit a ghoul in the eye from fifty yards and a basilisk at twice that. Instant kills. She can pick off Black Ones before they even get close enough to see her. She fights at a distance and we both like it that way. Keeps her out of trouble. The close combat? All me."

"Explain the medallion, then."

"Eh?" A scarred hand rose, idly fingering the polished metal around his neck. "This? Someone from Velen carved it for me as thanks for saving her from a pack of ghouls. Why? What school did you think I was from?"

"Dunno. School of the Fox, maybe? Never heard of that one before."

"School of the Fox?" Naruto posited, considering. "Huh. Has a nice ring to it! Look, you were searching for someone, right? Don't deny it, I get around. A lady with black hair? I might have seen-

That was all he managed before an angry peasant had the gall to club him on the head from behind.

"Begone, freak!"

A dark shadow flashed across the young man's face, gone in an instant. Geralt might've thought he'd imagined it altogether were not for the slight twitch in the blond's face, those blazing, burning red eyes. So when Naruto finally straightened, a small smile plastered to his dirty, whiskered cheeks, the Wolf knew at once that they'd erred spectacularly. Given the glaring distrust and scorn he'd been subjected to during his time on the Path, he wasn't exactly inclined to intervene.

"Feeling brave today, Boris?" Naruto turned, addressing the growing gaggle of men. "See you've brought some friends this time."

"One of you Witcher's was enough!" the smith growled. "We don't want another!"

"Funny. See, your sister seemed to like me just fine last-

"Shut your trap, freak!"

Naruto's smile grew imperceptibly.

"So...really brave? As brave as you were when you raped that elven woman?"

Geralt frowned at the strange question, but Boris took the bait, swallowed it whole.

"Aye, I-HOW DID YOU KNOW ABOUT THAAAAA _AAAAAAAARGH!"_

Arwen's bow was free from her back in an instant, two arrows knocked and fired with blinding speed, near simultaneous. Boris and his knees never stood a chance. In the time that it took the large man to squawk she'd loosed a third, sinking a slender shaft into the man's groin. The squawking warped into shrieking, screaming when a fourth pierced the hand cupping it. She looked as if she were about to fire a fifth into his throat, but a look from Naruto and she returned the bow returned to her quaking shoulders.

"For my mother." she declared furiously.

Geralt arched an eyebrow.

Nice shot.

Of course, that was when Boris's friends stopped being stunned and started getting angry instead.

"You'll pay for that, freak!" one of the smith's friends cried. "You and yours!"

"Pay? I've got no money! You'll have to-

Geralt saw a hand cock back to throw, opened his mouth to warn against it-

 ***WHAM!***

A piece of rotten fruit thudded home into the ninja's palm in the next instant, nimbly caught before it could splatter across his face. The rod was not. It struck the retired shinobi dead in the back of the noggin, snapping his head back with an audible crack. Even then he didn't move, didn't so much as stumble a single step. When next he turned his gaze upon the mob, his eyes seemed to glow like red hot pokers inside his skull. A hand rose to one of the curved sickles at his back, unlimbering the lengthy weapon with quiet menace.

"I hope you're happy."

"Oh." The culprit blinked, backpedaling, perhaps finally realizing the gravity of his error. "Oh. I...ah...fuck. Mistakes were made."

Naruto growled.

"And they were yours. Oi, Geralt, was it? Care to help me knock some heads together?"

For a moment, the Witcher honestly considered against it. Then he shrugged.

...why not?"

"Wonderful! Dibs on the ugly one!"

"They're all ugly."

"Exactly!"

 _Then they flew at them!_

 **A/N: And there you have it! My first stab at a crossover with the Witcher series! I do hope you liked it! Pairings and suggestions are welcome a plenty! And YES, Naruto clearly isn't a witcher, but the incident with his eyes will have most folk thinking he is. Consider it something of a running gag. What'll happen next? Will our knuckle-headed ninja make it home? Will he even want to?**

 **So in the Immortal Words of Atlas...**

 **...Review, Would You Kindly?**

 **And of course, enjoy the preview of an oncoming chapter!**

 **(Preview)**

 _For a long moment, Geralt couldn't find his voice._

 _"You saw who...? WHEN?!"_

 _Naruto blanched._

 _"Now, to be fair, I didn't know you were looking for HER, too..._

 _That was all he got out before the White Wolf thumped his head so hard he saw STARS._

 ** _R &R~! =D_**


	3. I Hate Mirrors

**A/N: LONG AUTHOR'S NOTE AHEAD But it is VERY important so I ask that you bear with me and read it.**

 **ATTENTION BROTHERS AND SISTERS OF THIS SITE!** **One of my hecklers has finally shown himself! I got a nastygram today in my own personal email-my mistake for putting it up there in the first place-from this nasty fellow. Its my own fault for leaving my contact information on my profile in the first place so I could talk firsthand with fans, but here's the name of the little bugger:**

 **Since he's seen fit to ferret out my real name, Ryan, I feel its only just to do the same to him.**

 **His name is Tim Lofar:**

 _His email is gogharambe720 on gmail._

 **I'm not kidding.**

 **I wasn't going to acknowledge him, I really wasn't, and I was doing my best to ignore this bugger, but this went too far. Going to my main email just to harass me? Don't believe me?**

 **READ IT:**

 _Here's some questions for you:_ _Why are you still alive?_ _Why do you continue writing mediocre stories?_ _What have you done that's worthwhile with your life besides being a fuckwad uninspired hack of a writer?_ _Do you wish you had a load of fucking harems for yourself?_ _If you really are dying of something, then it should've killed you sooner. Because if not, someone else will. If not this person, then the others that are lined up and ready to do the deed. Or are just waiting when you least expect it._ _You're not worth anything to anyone. You can do the world a favor and just die already you dipshit motherfucker cracker or nigga. Whatever applies to you, Ryan. Whatever works. A bullet to the head is too good for you. You and many others like you deserve to suffer horribly. Painfully. Very slowly._ _Your days are numbered. Don't forget it._

 _You can either drown in pussy, dicks, or your own blood. Or all the above, with other disgusting shit._

 **There you have it.**

 **ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.**

 **I didn't want to descend to his level, but I have had ENOUGH of being bullied by this guy!** **On another note if you don't like something, don't look at it. Don't like a book? Don't read it. Don't make life hell for other people because of it!** **My health has gotten better, sir Lofar. I have gotten better. I will not be dying anytime soon! And I'm done tolerating you. So guess what, old buddy old pal? Here's YOUR contact information, out here for all to see!**

 **Would someone please do something about him now that he's shown himself for the rat that he is? I kindly ask this as an author to his fans! Let him know the hate he's been inflicting on others! See how he likes it when he gets it, bloody ASSHOLE! Drown him in crimson purgatory! BRING THE WRATH OF THIS SITE DOWN UPON HIM!**

 ***Takes a deep breath***

 **Alright, rant over.**

 **On another and far more PLEASANT note, I plan to do a meet and greet pretty soon with some of you guys and fellow request authors! Its really hush-hush right now for obvious reasons and to the select few that already know, please keep that way. To the rest, I'm not going to say where and when just yet, if only to keep people like our esteemed Mr. Lofar FAR away from us and the like. I'm still puttering away at my next novel, but mum's the word on that for now.**

 **Details will follow soon.**

 **So, back again! VIVA LA REQUEST YEARS! I RETURN! Thought I was gone, did you?! Thought I'd left, hmm? Wrong! My muse simply demanded nothing short of sheer chaos in this chapter and she refused to let me write anything less than three thousand words this time around, which is a decent-sized chapter length in and of itself. So, yes, I've been deliberating a good deal over what I planned to do with this particular chapter and all the while she's been SHRIEKING at me to update the rest of my stuff as well.**

 **Friendly lass, isn't she?**

 **Now then, here it is...the next chapter!**

 **Also, you might recognize some characters making a cameo here. 'TIS intentional, I assure you. One more warning: Naruto DOES main someone in this chapter, so if you're not comfortable with that sort of thing, leave now. Though considering who he offs, I don't think you'll mind to much.**

 **I also ask ye to remember that, despite what the world might think, Naruto is not a Witcher or even a Shinobi anymore, thanks to the meddling of a certain Goddess. Rather...**

 **...he's something...**

 **...new...**

 **And a bit of verbatim here regarding the encounter with Master Mirror...**

 **...BECAUSE THAT SONOVABITCH IS TERRIFYING!**

 _"You're not what you seem."  
_

 _"Neither are you."_

 _~?_

 **I Hate Mirrors**

 _I hate mirrors._

 _That's all I have to say on the subject, thank-you-very much!_

 _When one considers just how mundane that sounds, you really ought to hear me out._

 _We thought he was a simple merchant, a harmless peddler of mirrors. Even I was fooled. Who would think someone so harmless and abasing could possibly be evil incarnate?! I mean, yeah, he seemed the oily type with his quiet flattery and he certainly knew a fair bit about us for being a "merchant" but at the time I chalked that up to tales and songs. After all, I'd made something of a name for myself in White Orchard and Geralt, well he was already INFAMOUS in his own right, considering._

 _Not a once did we thing this helpful merchant was a threat to us._

 _Just some blighter who gave us directions and went on his merry way._

 _We were wrong._

 _If I'd know who-what-he was..._

 _...I would've gutted him right then and there._

 _Speaking of gutting and embarrassing..._

* * *

 _(...With Our Heroes...)_

* * *

Geralt of Rivia had seem some true bullshit in his day.

In his storied career as a Witcher, he'd witnessed things that would make even the staunchest of men soil themselves with fear. All manner of monsters, leshens and boggarts, wraiths and vampires, to name a few. He'd even seen several spells while int he company of Triss and Yennefer, both of whom were powerful sorceresses themselves in their own right. So all in all, he possessed a rather high tolerance for all things bullshit-unless it came to portals in which all bets were off-and as such didn't startle very easily. Or at all, really.

But this?

This was _absolute_ bullshit!

 _No one_ should be able to pop in and out of reality like that! Not without a damned portal at any rate! Yet Naruto did just that, vanishing one moment only to reappear the next, his body seeming to shift and twist at nigh impossible angles to avoid blows and blades that should have done serious damage. As if he were simply laughing at reality. Just daring it to object. Not to mention the way he bent and twisted limbs and cracked shins, all the while admonishing Boris and his men for their sins. You shouldn't be able to make music with the sound of breaking bones, but for a few moments there he swore the blond had done just that.

In the end when all was said and done, Boris and his band of miscreants were little more than a bruised, bleeding mess on the ground.

Oddly enough, this lot looked _better_ than they had when they'd first picked a fight.

All in a day's work, Geralt decided, dusting off his gloves.

"Not bad, Wolf!" Naruto hummed, cleaning a bit of blood off one of his trademark sickles. "Not bad at all!" Then he peered closer at his weapon of choice, frowned as it caught the sun rays, reflecting them back into his terse visage. Repeating his inspection with its twin, his frown soon deepened thunderously. "Ah, mother-fucking-fucker!" Swearing, he cast each to the ground where they clattered loudly into the dust. "Sons of bitches cracked 'em! Now I'm going to have to use the damn swords I looted from those bastards until they're fixed!

 _Wait. Looted from who?_

Had Geralt been in a more studious move, he might've thought about that.

As in how the _hell_ the blond before him was doing this.

"How in the hell did you do that, back there?"

"Do what?" the blond smiled innocuously.

Geralt clicked his tongue in annoyance.

"Pretty damn sure you used magic."

"Nope." A grin. "Wasn't magic."

"The hell it wasn't."

"Hehehe!"

Off to one side Arwen laughed softly and Naruto's grin grew.

"Sorry." he remarked, clasping him by the shoulder. "Trade secret. Now if you'll excuse me, I think our smith friend here is starting to stir.

As if sensing the man's displeasure, Boris groaned.

He would live of course-but considering the fact that one or two of his men presently now missing _limbs,_ Geralt wasn't willing to bank on White Orchard's favor for much longer. Turning his slit gaze to the few sods still conscious after that abysmal pounding, he nudged one with his boot. A muffled groan answered immediately, bleary eyes rolling up to meet him listlessly. When they locked on Naruto, a spark of defiance kindled itself to life, only to gutter out at the sight of drawn steel. Said spark flickered now as the blond pulled one of his fractured sickles from the ground and held it to Boris's throat.

"Go ahead," he purred darkly. "Try and get up. Make my day."

"You dirty elf lover-

 _CRUNCH!_

Naruto's boot crashed down on the man's upturned hand in mid-sentence, obliterating bone and mangling muscle in one swift stomp while simultaneously eliciting a strangled scream from his victim. Geralt didn't flinch at the decidedly unmanly shriek, instead watching impassively as the demented man drove the spoke of his boot down deeper, blood welling up between the cracks. Ooh. That looked painful. Infection was going to set in if he kept driving the wound into the mud like that. Not that it was any of his concern, of course.

"Keep at it, bub." red, slitted eyes bored into Boris, "I can do this all day."

Ashen-faced, the smith glared up at his tormentor, whimpering softly.

"Now, are you going to apologize, or do I have to cut the hand off?"

"Fuck you...!"

"Fuck me?" the Witcher scoffed, sheathing his sickle with a shake of the head. "Seriously? Do you really want those to be your last words?"

 _...cunt!"_

A laugh. "You're shit at dying, you know that?"

Boris snarled and spat in his face.

The laughter ceased.

"Arwen?" Naruto called, "Two or three more."

"Two or three more?" she blinked.

 _"Two or three more."_

Scarce had he spoken than three shafts flew through the air. The first and second found the back of both his knees, respectively. The third, well...

 _"Yeeargh!"_

"Oooh, right in the ass! That looks _painful."_

Geralt whistled softly.

Remarkable, really.

He hadn't even _seen_ that last shot.

She'd deliberately missed all his vitals with those shots, when she could have just as easily gone for the head or an eye.

"So any more backtalk Boris, m'boy?" Naruto drawled, the afternoon light lending his smile an almost pleasant air. "Please, by all means!'

Almost.

"When I get out of this-

 _"-so glad you asked!"_

Naruto never let him finish that sentence; because in the heartbeat that it took for him to speak, the blond calmly reached behind his back. At first, Geralt didn't see what he was doing, only watched him root around in one of the many pouches he kept on his personage. It wasn't until he pulled out a piece of iron, and said iron started to burn in his hand, that the Witcher realized the blond's intention. That really was an interesting ol' application of Igni there, he'd have to ask him how he was able to do that without weaving his fingers into the sign.

Because Boris saw it, too.

"W-W-What are you doing?!"

"Oh, just putting your tools to good use," Naruto hummed, holding him down. "You should know what this brand means, after all," he gave the now-scalding metal a wave, you've seen me use it on other shitheads who thought they could get away with fondling little girls. Now its your turn, so do hold still." Red eyes twinkled merrily Wouldn't want to miss and hit an eye now, would we eh?!" Hoisting the smoldering piece of metal high, he positioned it just above the squirming man's forehead. Then he brought it down like the hammer of a Norse god.

So, hard.

Very.

 _Hard._

"Aaargh!"

Boris squealed like a struck pig when the brand found his right cheek. He struggled fiercely but Naruto's grip was sheer steel; though the screaming smith thrashed and bucked as if he were some wild beast, the blond's aim never faulted. Calmly-carefully-he pressed the white hot metal into his face, searing a simple inscription that read _rapist_ into his flesh forevermore.

"There." he grunted, satisfied with his work, "Anything else? Perhaps you'd like to lose a few more fingers? Hmm?"

A groan answered him.

"I-I'll...kill you...for this...!"

"Oh, that's gonna cost you an _eye-_

When it became blatantly obvious that the blacksmith was still perfectly willing to rise to the blond's baited challenges despite his numerous injuries and countless humiliations, Geralt took it upon himself to end things before he really _did_ kill him. Thrusting a foot outwards, he kicked the portly man in the side, hurling him into his fellow miscreants. Neither dared to make a move on the Witchers or their ward. If they had they'd have wound up picking even _more_ pieces of themselves off the floor.

"Get him out of here." He growled. "Now."

Not needing to be told twice, the men got, dragging Boris behind in their wake. All the while Naruto watched the broken band intently, giving Geralt the impression of a fox ready to pounce at the slightest provocation. It was only when they were truly out of sight that he allowed himself to relax. Even then he looked like he wanted to leap after them and finish what he started. The White Wolf didn't much blame him. He had no tolerance for men like that. With those wounds, the blacksmith would never have a normal life. He might not even be able to walk, which meant death in this day and age-

 _"Dh'oine."_

Geralt stiffened at the stern tone, yellow eyes widening before he realized it was little elven girl who had spoken. Dh'oine, she'd called him. White one. What did she want? Did he dare ask?

"May we...have a moment?"

"What do you-oh."

Arwen turned to look at Naruto with bright dewy eyes, lower lip trembling ever so as her small hands balled into fists. Seeing her pensive expression the red-eyed blond grimaced, shooting him an apologetic look and Geralt decided it wise to withdraw for the time being. A few quick strides carried him down the beaten path and towards the inn. Slightly out of sight, slightly out of mind, yet not so far that he couldn't overhear their conversation. Voices tended to carry in a dead silence like this. As such, he found he had a prime spot when Arwen spun and drove her foot into the blond's shin.

"Ow!"

Naruto hissed softly, rubbing his leg. "What was that for?!"

"Why?" she snarled one word, a demand. "Why didn't you tell me he was the one who...

Arwen choked on the word, unable to finish.

"I suspected the sonuvabitch and you deserved payback." the blond replied, stuffing both hands in his coat to weather her seething glare. "I just wanted to wait until you were skilled enough to take it for yourself. And witnesses. Now? We got both. And _you_ got to stick a full quiver of arrows into him. Best part? He ain't dead so he'll have to live with the knowledge that _you_ did this to him. Add to that the brand on his face and he can never do this to anyone else. Now you've gotten you revenge and you can start to move on. Vengeance is like a weed, it chokes you over time, until its all you can think about."

Her mouth worked, wordlessly, and for a fleeting moment, Geralt thought he saw comprehension dawn in her eyes.

"I...thank you."

"Hey," he murmured, mussing her hair. "We're family. We watch out for each other. Its what we do."

A blink followed.

...family?"

"Well you're certainly not a stranger to me, 'ttebayo!"

Arwen gasped and went rigid, her red eyes going wide as saucers as the words struck home. Even from here, Geralt could see the elven lass color to the very roots of her hair. Hiding her head in the curtain of her dark tresses, she muttered something in elvish. Before Naruto could so much as blink she lunged forward,s slim arms locking around his waist, seizing him in a fierce hug. To his credit the whiskered warrior resisted for only a moment, then returned her abrupt embrace stiffly, chuckling softly.

"What did? you say?" he inquired.

Arwen looked at him, dared a hesitant smile.

"Family." she said the word aloud, savoring it.

"Well, yes." he grinned. "I did say that, didn't I?"

 _"My_ family." she stated firmly. "I accept that...Naruto."

"Ha! You finally said my name!"

With that Geralt decided the danger had passed at last and dared to intrude on the happy pair's moment. Arwen started like a spooked deer at his approach and released Naruto before hastily stepping back, as though she were embarrassed to be caught in a moment of such open emotion. The Witcher felt a narrow smile tug at the corner of his mouth. Suppressing it, he set his sights on the blond once more. Witcher or not, he likely had the answers he sought, and if he didn't, he was as good a place to stat as any.

"Hate to interrupt," he began, "But you were te

"Not quite," the blond admitted, "But I might know a few who do. Just give me a bit to stop by the inn and get my things."

"Coming with...?"

"Well, I don't much imagine I can stay here after that stunt." the blond sighed, scratching the back of his head as he gazed out at White Orchard. "Its just as well, really. People are going to be spooked for awhile after that. Arwen ought to like it. A bit of a vacation would do her a world of good. Just got to smash the garrison before we leave.

Geralt nearly stumbled.

"Smash the...?"

"Garrison, yeah." Naruto chirruped, a dark smile stretching his cheeks as he waltzed past the White Wolf. "Can't very well leave them with the Nilfgaardians at their doorstep now can we-hey don't give me that look," he admonished at his gawking stare. "Its not like I'm going to outright murder them...well...not all of them...just need to scare 'em a bit...

Arwen sighed.

"Just go with it, _Dh'oine._ There's no stopping him when he's like this."

Following them into the inn, Geralt found his opinion of White Orchard climb another notch.

The inn in question had clearly been a small establishment once upon a time, but someone had gone out of their way to change that. Freshly carved timber stood where the eastern wall might have once been in addition to a rather sturdy-looking stairwell leading up into the rafter rafters. That suggested said someone had constructed a second floor, overhead. There were no shortage of patrons either, though a handful did avert eyes at the sight of their bloody clothes. Still, none raised their voices in alarm, so that was good.

Wasn't it?

"Talk to whomever ya like," Naruto's voice rose around as he shambled across the room, Arwen scurrying upstairs ahead of him. "Just don't break anything. I've got a reputation to keep, ya know?"

"Where will you be?"

"Nowhere and everywhere."

"That doesn't make any sens-

When he turned his gaze, the blond was gone.

The only sign of his presence was a lone leaf on the floor.

 _'Alright,'_ Geralt thought to himself, studying it, _'If that's a Witcher trick, how can **I** do it?'_

To his initial surprise, many of the patrons were outright forthcoming. Unsurprisingly, none of them knew anything about a woman in black and white. In the end, his options exhausted, his gaze finally alighted upon a slender fellow in the back of the room. He was remarkable if only for the fact that he seemed utterly _unremarkable,_ all brown and blue leathers with a shaven head. Noticing him, he raised a hand and shot off a jaunty little wave, raising a tankard in a toast.

"Well." Naruto's voice rang in his ear, "He's new."

Geralt started.

"Damnit, how do you _do_ that?"

"Like I said, trade secret. We gonna talk to him?"

Looking back, he couldn't quite explain what exactly compelled him to cross the room, only that he did.

Claiming the seat opposite the humble-looking sod, the Withcer steepled his fingers.

"Looking for a woman." he began, his voice rolling gravel.

"Ahh," the man mused eloquently, "Like everyone."

"Not like everyone," Geralt argued tersely, cutting him off with a sweeping motion of his hand, "And not just any woman. Mine smells of lilac and gooseberries, dresses in black and white." He studiously ignored Naruto's snicker, but the stranger did not, dark eyes shifting toward the blond and his erstwhile companion.

"Three schnappses!" he called out to the innkeep, laughing. "Hah, it'll lift your spirits."

"Fine." The Witcher relented. "I'll have one."

Naruto offered a mute shrug.

"Works for me."

In short order three cups were set out before them. Naruto downed his in a single gulp, while Geralt gave his a sniff and recoiled. Uch. And he thought some potions were bad!

"Let's get down to business." he rumbled. "You seen her or not."

He wasn't expecting the grin.

"Yennefer of Vengerberg?"

Okay, why did everyone seem to be getting the drop on him today?

"Never mentioned her name."

"Yet, you described her perfectly." the humble stranger replied cheerily. "And once I hear something, I never forget." He tapped his head and a roguish grin flashed out at them, all pearly white teeth. "Can't help it."

"How do you know her?"

"What a question!" the patron laughed and spread his arms wide, as if to encompass the entire room in his grasp. "Master Dandelion's ballads, of course. The only way a humble merchant might hope to rub up against greatness. Unless, that is, he's as a lucky as I am."

"And runs into a very patient Witcher?" Geralt growled.

"Into Geralt of Rivia himself." Came the challenge. "The Butcher of Blaviken."

A cold pit of agonizing dread opened in Geralt's stomach and the last of his patience plummeted into its inky depths. Wrong. This was all wrong. Something-some sixth sense perhaps?-was whispering in his ear, telling him to stand up and leave. Right now. Questions be damned. Stifling the strange anxiety he leaned forward, slitted eyes locking intently on the smiling stranger. All the while, his mind began to wonder how quickly he could cast a sign, or draw his blade. Something. Anything.

"Recognize me from Master Dandelion's ballads, too?"

A grin.

"To your health!" the stranger declared, finally partaking of his own drink.

"What do you do?" Naruto finally cut in, his once cheery smile locked behind a flinty scowl. "Who are you?"

At this, the stranger finally seemed to notice him.

Incredibly, his grin grew.

"Merely a mangy vagrant, master ninja." he sketched a bow. "Gaunter O'Dim, at your service."

Naruto hissed softly.

"The hell?"

"And you." dark eyes swept toward the blond. "How long are you going to play at something you're not? All because you lost to an angry woman, tsk, tsk!" He wagged a spoon at him, shaking his head. "For shame!"

"Well, damn."

Filing the word _ninja_ away for future consideration, Geralt renewed his scrutiny on O'Dim.

"Vagrant? That a profession now?"

"Ah, once a merchant of mirrors." the supposedly humble merchant confessed with a sheepish laugh. "The madding crowd dubbed me Master Mirror, or the Man of Glass." The whisper in the back of his mind had escalated to a shriek now, and it was all he could do to drown it out; to prevent himself from leaping across the table, sword in hand and plunge it into O'Dim's gut. And he still couldn't fathom why. The man was absolutely harmless, or at least he seemed such, so surely he wasn't a threat.

So why was Naruto on edge, thus?

"You seen his girl or not?" it was the blond who asked, spitting the words.

"Deepest apologies," O'Dimm hummed, turning his dark gaze back to Geralt, "But I must ask: is this about love?"

Something twisted in the Witcher's heart; as though a man had taken a knife of coldest blackest ice and thrust it into his chest. Even then, he didn't let O'Dimm see his pain.

"Guessed it. Its love."

"I knew it at once." The Man of Glass declared. "A pity it won't work out, however."

And there was the rage again.

 _What did that mean!?_

"What do you know. Tell me."

"Well, I could tell you why it won't work out," the mirror merchant sighed, "but you won't believe me. Before you appeared, it never occurred to me that might've been Yennefer." Shaking his head, the merchant sighed softly. "Who would've thought...

 _"Get to the point."_

"A Nilfgaardian scout from the local garrison saw her. Before your boy over there caught him skulking about and beat him bloody. Oh?" A smile. "He hasn't told you?"

Golden eyes met red.

"Hey, to be fair I was going to tell you about it before Boris showed up...

"She was at their camp a few days ago," O'Dimm interjected pleasantly. "Rode in there-dark of night, black and white, gooseberries and...yes, I know." he amended at the Witcher's scalding look. "Had a terse exchange with the garrison commander and raced off."

"Where to?"

"I'm not omniscient, Geralt." the merchant sniffed. "Ask at the garrison. Preferably before our dear friend burns it to the ground.

"Hey!"

"Thanks." The White Wolf grunted.

"Think nothing of it!" The Man of Glass laughed jovially. "We men of the road must stick together." Dark eyes swept past him, seeking Naruto's with an eerie leer. "Perhaps one day I'll be in trouble and you'll be nearby to help. Perhaps by then, he'll have told you of your precious little swallow and their meeting."

When he looked again the man was gone.

Swallow.

He knew that that meant.

"Ciri."

It escaped him all at once, the word tumbling out before he could hold it back.

For a long moment, Geralt couldn't find his voice, it would not come.

"Eh?" Naruto blinked. "Ciri? You know her, too?"

"You saw who...? WHEN?!"

Naruto blanched.

"Now, to be fair, I didn't know you were looking for HER, too...

That was all he got out before the White Wolf thumped his head so hard he saw STARS.

 **A/N: And there you have it! My first stab at a crossover with the Witcher series! I do hope you liked it! Pairings and suggestions are welcome a plenty! And YES, Naruto clearly isn't a witcher, but the incident with his eyes will have most folk thinking he is. Consider it something of a running gag. What'll happen next? Will our knuckle-headed ninja make it home? Will he even want to?**

 **So in the Immortal Words of Atlas...**

 **...Review, Would You Kindly?**

 **And of course, enjoy the preview of an oncoming chapter! There's two this time. Hopefully updates will come faster once you guys give that hater a piece of your mind and he leaves me be!**

 **(Preview(S!))**

 _Naruto eyed the Free City of Novigrad as though it were the plague._

 _"Oh, can we not?!"_

 _Geralt bit back a frown._

 _"Hey, you wanna talk some sense into-_

 _Arwen shook her head rapidly._

 _The White Wolf sighed._

 _"Right, then. Let's get this over with..."_

 _When he looked back, the blond and his charge were both gone._

 _"Shit."_

* * *

 _Yennefer frowned, firelight playing off her stern visage._

 _"I hate you so much right now."_

 _"Aw, that's so sweet~!"_

 _"Aaargh!"_

 _For a fleeting moment there was silence, broken only by the echoing sounds of their footsteps as they descended deeper into the darkness. The cavern seemed to take even that sound and distort it somehow; making it sound as though there were a small army following them into the earth, stalking them in the dark. The thought was...unpleasant. Shadows seemed to take on a life of their own as the shinobi torchbearer pressed on, his rapid pace forcing her to hasten her own lest she be left behind in this pit. Spirits above, why oh WHY, had she agreed to follow him down here, again? Ah...yes. Right. Sweet promises of knowledge and the potential for power that came with it._ _Damnit._

 _"You," she pinched the brow of her nose, desperately trying and failing to stave off the migraine pounding against her temples, "you have an insufferable lack of tact, do you know that?"_

 _Naruto's only response was to crack a snide grin of his own, stepping over a low-hanging root. Said root snapped back at her face when he released it forcing the sorceress to duck._

 _She shot him a glower._

 _He merely laughed._

 _"Yeah, and you can be a total bitch sometimes." he snarked, pearly white teeth flashing in the gloom. "Or all the time. What DOES Geralt see in you-_

 _SLAP!_

 _"Ohohoho, feisty!"_

 ** _R &R~! =D_**


	4. I Love Pranks

**A/N: Bit of an author's note here, but I'm back! Miss me guys?!**

 **I know its been a terribly long while since I've updated this story, but I have a perfectly reasonable explanation for it! One, I got REALLY sick for awhile there, and shortly after recovering, my life decided to go and take a turn for the chaotic, such as it were.**

 **Oh, and a word of advice.**

 **Never try to hold too many jobs unless you absolutely HAVE TO, because it throws you out of whack and puts you in a foul mood. Then again, in this day and age, you may not be able to make ends meet if you don't which makes things even more annoying. Ended up having to move again recently due to that and now I'm debating whether I want to take yet ANOTHER job to supplement my already abysmal income.**

 **Ah, I miss the good old days when I had more free time to write for all of you!**

 **Its also part of the reason I haven't been able to update this as much as I would have liked. Got back into the Witcher-New Game Plus!-to get myself in the mood, but daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaamn that game is addicting as ever and I ended up discovering a lot of stuff that I hadn't before and...well, you get the picture.**

 **Gwent is still as addicting as ever, too!**

 **Also apparently we're getting a Witcher TELEVISION SERIES?! What do you guys and gals think about that? Will it be any good? I want to hope, but I've been hearing some nasty things...**

 **And lets us remember, he may be far from home...**

 **...but Naruto is still very much Naruto.**

 **He does NOT like to see people die.**

 **Quite a few minor characters get to tell a bit more of there story here as well, so I hope you all like it!**

 **The title says it all =D**

 _"...have you lost your mind?"_

 _"Bah, sanity's overrated anway_ _."_

 _~?_

 **I Love Pranks**

 _I love pranks._

 _There's just something so incredibly SATISFYING about pulling one over on someone, be they friend or foe. Well...mostly foe. I don't get much enjoyment out of tricking my allies these days. Regardless, be it something simple such as rearranging a certain smith's tools-fuck you Borris!-or a good ol' tar and feathering upon your enemies, nothing can compare to it. There's that fleeting realization on their part; one that something hasn't gone quite right, then you're the only on the up and up. Ha! Priceless. I'll take pranks over decapitating my foes any day. Wait, I lie. Sometimes people NEED decapitating._

 _Aye, pranks are good for just about anything._

 _They can be used to inspire._

 _They can brighten the darkest heart._

 _They can even be used for fear and awe._

 _Like when you get the drop on a Nilfgaardian taking a piss._

 _When he knows you're better than him, and he's going to die._

 _Speaking of pain and demise, ever been slugged by a Witcher before?_

 ** _I have._**

 _It fucking hurts!_

* * *

 _(...With Our Heroes...)_

* * *

"OwowowowOUCH! Why the nose?! I only have one of those for crying out loud! Are you _trying_ to be a dick?!"

In the following silence-somewhere between the ringing of Naruto's ears-this proved most telling indeed.

The stool that came crashing down on his head, slightly moreso.

"Asshole! Complete and utter _asshole!"_

The battered shinobi groaned these words aloud into the earth, curses muffled by the dirt floor and a fair bit of mud. Ugh. He sucked in a reflexive breath through his now-broken nose and immediately winced, both at the pain and the foul odor clogging the air. Someone had tracked crap in on their boots again and of course, _of course_ he'd fallen face first into it. By now he'd long since lost track of the number of times Geralt had slugged him, but he suspected he would be receiving many more at that. Worse, he suspected he somehow _deserved_ this for holding his tongue in regards to Ciri. How was he to know her importance to him?! Bloody bastard beating him about the head and whatnot!

Thankfully, Arwen hadn't seen fit to stick him with arrows yet, which likely meant Geralt was just blowing off steam.

 _'Okay, he hits really hard and-argh!'_

It would've been a trifle to escape the witcher's wrath of course, to simply spirit himself and Arwen away to the other side of Velen. But Naruto knew any attempt to flee on his part would be tantamount to admitting guilt. It would also damage his fledgling friendship with the Witcher beyond repair. Thus, he played the fool. Though they'd only just met he was rather fond of the white wolf, gruff though he may be. So, like a good friend, he took his licks as they were dished out. Only offering protest when the man broke his nose and knocked him off his feet.

He was very, _very_ good at being a fool.

Still, if the Wither felt any sympathy for the blond's plight he did little to show it; relenting only moments later.

At length, the assault ceased and Naruto finally found himself a reprieve.

"Are ya done?" he sighed into the floor, pushing himself on his hands. "Because I'm standing up, now. And I swear to kami if you hit me again I will be _so_ freaking nettled-

One last blow found his face, a bruising right hook that bent his already broken nose even further out of shape.

"Argh! Fucker! Will you _stop?!"_

"Depends." the butcher of Blaviken replied, lowering his fists. "You ready to talk?"

The sweet melody of Arwen's voice echoed across the inn in answer.

"Careful, vatt'ghern. You might make him angry."

"Think that's the least of my worries." Geralt growled.

And with that, Naruto decided he'd humored his new friend long enough.

Slapping the floor with both hands, he bolted to his feet and spun to face Geralt in a burst of inhuman speed; one that nearly had the Witcher drawing his sword in surprise. Naruto, of course, had no such ill intentions toward his guest. Instead he merely rubbed at his black eye and fixed Geralt with the most annoyed glare he could muster. That startled look of his would be nothing compared to what came next. Spitting a bloody red tooth into his cup, the blond folded both arms before his chest and tilted his head.

"Do you have any _idea_ how its going to take for me to heal...?"

Geralt actually blinked.

"What?"

 _"Surprise."_

It certainly must've seemed one to Geralt; watching Naruto's nose miraculously set itself of its own accord, hearing the bones and cartilege snap into place. Seeing the swelling of the blond's face fade, bruises subsiding to reveal healthy skin. By the time the shinobi climbed to his feet, he looked as hale and hearty as he'd been before their brawl. Perhaps even more so. There was a prank that never got old. That moment of surprise as his foes realized they'd wasted heaps of stamina only to have their efforts undone. It was always amusing, that one.

...handy trick." Geralt conceded, sheathing his blade. "Never seen a Witcher heal that fast."

Naruto's right eye twitched imperceptibly.

 _'I'm not a bloody...ah, forget it.'_

He'd long since given up eluding the title, resigned himself to it, for better or worse. If that was their term for shinobi-or so he thought-then he would simply swallowed

"It has its uses." He relented with a sigh, rolling his shoulder. "But you were asking about Ciri, right? Sorry to say, but I don't know much."

Geralt's stoic look told all.

"Humor me."

Naruto sighed.

"Fine. Take a seat, if you like."

"You first."

With a long suffering sigh, Naruto reclaimed his seat at the bench, shouldering a few of the hapless in the process. Not a moment later, Arwen darted away from her perch and claimed the vacant spot beside him before Geralt. The thunderclouds brewing on her brow promised a swift and painful revenge if he struck the blond again. Never once did her hand leave her bow.

Naruto noticed.

Clever girl, that one.

"Well?" Geralt's voice cut through his thoughts like a sharpened knife. "Start talking."

"Fine, fine, ya prickly bastard. I was willing to talk _before_ you broke my nose, ya know. Was that really necessary, anyway?" he demurred at the witcher's stormy expression. "Alright, alright! Jeez, no need to get uppity and start swinging again. I barely saw her for more than a few minutes; I helped her fight off some lunatics in armor, and that was it! How was I supposed to know how important she was, eh?! Dropped her name, and poof! Gone with the wind! I swear! Perhaps if you had told me beforehand- _andanoyoufuckingdoNOT!"_

"Bugger off, you filthy mutant!"

His words dissolved into a snarl as one of those "hapless drunks" abruptly saw fit to swing an ax at Naruto's skull, bellowing curses. Said ax soon found itself ripped away and int he chaos that followed, the drunkard was promptly cuffed on the side of the head for his troubles and thrown out into the mud with the rest of his suitably-soused comrades. The brief scuffle had left its mark, however. Geralt didn't fail to notice how some of the tavern folk glowered at the blond now; once kindly expressions tempered with anger and scorn. It would seem his beating of Boris had not gone unnoticed.

"Looks like you've lost a few friends." he remarked.

Naruto huffed out an annoyed breath.

"Yeah, that was bound to happen sooner or later." Restraining a rueful grin he pushed himself up off the bench and stood, with Arwen quick to follow. "Well, I told you all I know," he declared, making for the door with due speed. "Now then, I'll be needin' ta pay a visit to Tomira. Wanna tag along?" the sudden invitation baffled Geralt, but the blond didn't seem inclined to share his reasoning for it. After a moment's consideration, he abandoned his drink and followed the unlikely duo outside though not without a bit of confusion.

"Who?"

Arwen's mouth twitched in agreement as he caught up with them.

"Don't worry. I like her."

...is that supposed to help?"

Naruto flashed him a roguish grin.

"She's the best herbalist in the White Orchard! Also, she's got a nice ass. Don't tell her I said that."

A wry grin tugged at the Witcher's face as he followed him out of the village.

...any reason why?"

"Damn woman would never let me live it down."

* * *

 _(...Several Minutes Later...)_

* * *

As it turned out, Tomira did indeed possess a substantial posterior.

She _also_ had a very sharp tongue.

"Hold it right there! No muddy feet in my house!"

By the time they'd reached the cabin the sun was hanging low in the sky; even then, they were scarcely through the door before she started taking them to task, demanding both Witcher and Shinobi wipe their boots outdoors before they entered. When she recognized Naruto, however, her stern face softened somewhat. Geralt scarcely had time to take in dark raven hair and lovely features _-a slim yet well curved body wrapped in red and dark leather-_ then she was upon them, fussing over Naruto as a swan would their mate. Firm hands took a firm hold of the younger man's cheeks, pinching them together sharply.

"Alright, what did you do this time?" she admonished him.

The blond managed a rough laugh.

 _"Weeeeell,_ nothing much-ack!"

Tomira crowed in triumph.

"Aha! _Bruises!"_

"Ow!"

From there it became readily apparent that Naruto and Tomira were on exceedingly good terms with another, more than one might expect from two people in such dangerous professions. Naruto for his part proved quick to aid in Tomira's work around the hut, falling into an old routine with the herbalist that soon had them trading veiled barbs back and forth. Even young Arwen seemed to perk up in spite of her ordinarily stoic facade; the young girl hopping onto a nearby bench to observe their work, legs swinging. Geralt observed the picturesque scene in stoic silence, contemplating.

Interesting.

A soft, lingering kiss against the blond's cheek left the White Wolf wondering if there might perhaps be something between the two of them. Was there? Tomira's actions appeared to intimate as much. Indeed the herbalist seemed to dote on the blond far more than she might most, even going to far as to fuss over his admittedly minor injuries whilst chastising him for being reckless. For his part Naruto proved remarkably tolerant of this, even going so far as to allow her to apply a tonic to his whiskered visage as well as foist a number of herbs on him that he might otherwise not require.

As it turned out, Tomira also had company.

"Right, then." ushering the blond to a secluded corner of the room, the beautiful herbalist presented him with the room's sole patient, occupying the only bed. Geralt soon found himself forced to eavesdrop, lest he miss their conversation entirely. Arwen shot him an odd look but the White Wolf ignored her, instead listening studiously. "Now that I've got you here, I wonder if you'd mind doing me another favor."

Naruto's expression became decidedly smug.

"Anything for you, gorgeous."

She slapped his arm lightly.

"Oh, stop that, you. Look."

Then he saw the young woman.

"Ah, Lena." his gaze narrowed. "Did the griffon...?"

He let the rest of his question remain unspoken.

"Yes, that'd be her. Do you know each other?"

Naruto's face contracted in veiled anguish.

"In a sense."

"Oh?"

The blond coughed roughly.

"Taught her a few tricks with a sword." he admitted, studiously staring at the floor. "She was very, ah, interested in those lessons...but in the end I had to turn her away for her own good. Probably why she searched for comfort elsewhere."

Tomira blinked.

"Ah." she managed eloquently. "I won't pry, then."

"Thanks." those stony eyes found Lena's prone form again, looking haunted. "Just as well. She's not likely to forgive me once she realizes I got her "dearest" killed."

"You what?!"

Naruto actually flushed.

"Has to do with the griffin I'm hunting. Bit of a long story."

Geralt suspected there was more to it than that; for Naruto's visage proved a study of intense contrasts; equal parts sorrow, anger, disgust and pity vying with one another. He knew the man abhorred all Nilfgaardians with a burning passion yet this girl, Lena, was not one of them. That did precious little to temper the whiskered warrior's dislike. Apparently she'd been attacked in the night by the very griffon the blond claimed to be hunting. That she'd been attacked _whilst_ sneaking away for a secret rendezvous with her _Nilfgaardian lover_ didn't do much to improve his mood. Something ugly seemed to rear its head in him as looked her over and for a moment the White Wolf wondered if he'd simply leave her to die. In the end, however, he granted Tomira her request and laid hands on the girl.

"Blood's pooling in her skull." he murmured, running hands over Lena's head, fingers pooling through dark hair. "She's dying."

"She is." the woman confirmed. Can you help her?"

"Might be able to." Naruto sighed, his red eyes never leaving the face of his prospective patient. "Might not. Chakra's a fickle thing and head wounds are tricky. Not the best healer, either." He paused, chewing his lip, mulling it over for a moment. "Geralt here could give her a potion," his slitted gaze flicked his way, "but as I understand it, there's a risk to that, too. Isn't there?" A grunt told him all he needed to know. Risky. Very risk indeed. On that much, they agreed. Unfortunately this served to draw Tomira's attention to the latter.

Geralt scowled.

Blast it, now the herbalist was looking at _him._

"Well?"

"Could try to help her with one of my brews." he admitted reluctantly. "Swallow can heal internal hemorrhages...

"But?" Tomira interjected, sensing a catch.

A grimace plucked at his bearded face.

"Witchers' potions aren't for humans."

"She'll _die_ as it is."

"Yes, a peaceful death soothed by your concoctions." Geralt replied stonily. "If I give her Swallow and something goes wrong, the whole village will hear her screams. Even if it goes right, there'll be consequences."

"Brain damage, most likely." Naruto reaffirmed. "Physically she may heal, ya know, but mentally...well, not so much."

"You must be able to do _something."_ Tomira insisted, turning a pleading gaze on Naruto. "After all, Arwen...

The she-elf shook her head, raven tresses flying.

Naruto exhaled a long-suffering sigh.

Did she even understand what she asking of him?

For all his wit and humor, the idea of taking someone else's life into his hands still terrified him. Least of all for a second time! He'd been very, _very_ lucky with Arwen; due in no small part to her age and the severity of her injuries. Kurama's chakra had acted of its own will back then; seeking out the wounds and urging her young body to do as it was wont and heal quickly. He'd simply given her a much-needed boost. Even then, she had been changed by the procedure, inheriting his red eyes and lightning quick reflexes...among other things. To do the same to a young woman whose body was done growing, one who had a family at that...

Lena's life was already dangling by a thin thread.

Any further trauma threatened to snap it.

"That was a miracle, frankly." he admitted, running a hand coated in Lena's blood through his hair, leaving red streaks behind. In the faint light, it made him look downright savage to the others. He didn't care. "Back then, I didn't know what I was doing and half of it was blind luck. Its not exactly something I had a chance to practice much, mind you!"

"But you _did_ practice." Tomira prodded, seizing on his chose of words.

Naruto uttered a soft hiss of annoyance.

"You're absolutely horrible."

Yes, he had practiced.

A bit.

 _More_ than a bit.

As much as he was loathe to admit it, he'd done so. The temptation of saving lives had proven too great to resist. So he'd run trials in secret. On the dead at first, followed by rabid animals, then people; only those too horribly injured to otherwise survive. Some perished horribly. Others survived, only to expire the next day. There was even a case in which a subject had gone mad, forcing him to put it down. He'd lost a good dog that way. None of these disasters had been intentional on his part and eventually, he'd deemed it too risky to continue. Above all, do no harm. Naruto had tried to cling to that creed as best he could-in medicine at least-and was determined not to needlessly break it. That was one slippery slope he was loathe to tread upon again.

It made him feel like Orochimaru.

A small shudder ran through the blond at the thought and he closed his eyes.

Maybe he was a monster.

No.

Long had snake sanin loomed in his mind over the years; a monster in the truest sense of the word. A man who'd experimented in countless other ways, innumerable in his atrocities. Searching for power, clawing for immortality. Snatching bodies to extend his life. No crime was too great for him, so long as the ends achieved the means. This was completely different. _His_ reasons were altruistic. Not selfish. He had no intentions to live forever; he simply didn't want to lose anymore lives lost in this senseless war. No. He wasn't that man. He had to keep telling himself that. If he didn't, he might go mad. And if he didn't do something here...

 _...who will?'_

When he opened them again, they were stern.

"Got any buckthorn?" the blond asked Tomira abruptly.

"Aye, I have some stored away. Why?"

"Hunting a griffon." Naruto replied quietly. "That'll do for a trade. Arwen. Bar the door."

His apprentice immediately did as she was bade, slipping a bar over the entryway. After a moment's thought she closed the shutters as well, plunging the room into darkness. Tomira lit a candle not a moment later, its faint light casting the cabin in grim relief. Needless to say, this did little to help the mood. Arwen helped the wary herbalist light another handful more, but Geralt never once took his eyes from the prone blond, instead watching him drop to his knees. Gloved hands skittered with red sparks, as though they were about to burst into flame at any was eerie.

Like witnessing some sort of devilish ritual.

Naruto's hand shot out, palm upturned.

"Swallow."

It was not a request.

Reluctantly, Geralt complied.

"Hope you know what you're doing."

"Nope. I'm going to take a risk." the blond confessed, hiding a rueful smile as he emptied the potion's into Lena's mouth. "First give her Swallow, then speed up her metabolism to compensate and burn it off." Forcing her jaw shut, he pinched the young woman's nose, forcing her to gulp down the foul-tasting brew. "There." wiping a bit of sweat from his brow, he tore off a bit of his sleeve and promptly shoved it into her mouth for good measure. Now, to work! With luck, she'll wake up perfectly ordinary. Better brace yourselves." He'd learned that lesson well. "This'll be loud once I start. You gonna watch?"

Geralt decided he wouldn't.

He'd witnessed terrors like the Trial of the Grasses before and though this was clearly not that, he had no desire to witness a young woman's suffering. Her dark hair and full lips rather reminded him of a certain stormy sorceress and his heart experienced a brief pang of longing at the thought of her. Did he really need to be here? To witness...this?

"That griffin you're hunting...is it connected to Yennefer?"

"Just so!" the blond chirped, eyes flashing in the faint light. "I'm pretty sure that bastard commander at the garrison knows where she went. Problem is he's not likely to answer questions while I'm there. Ask him, if you like. Oh, and the buckthorn. I think you'll need that. Catch." A hand snapped up and the parcel thudded against Geralt's open palm. Taking a moment to secure his newfound prize the Witcher fixed Naruto with a curious stare. For his part the blond did his best to maintain a veneer of seriousness, regarding his patient.

"Whose in charge?"

"Eh, Peter Saar-something-or-other." Naruto shrugged, running a hand absently over Lena's head. "I'm not good with Nilfgaardian names. Oh, almost forgot! Be sure to give him this while you're at it." A second pouch sailed his way and was added to the second. Hefting it, the Witcher swiftly ascertained that it contained a strange package of some sort. His heightened senses twitched at the strange scent emanating from within. The parce _felt_ like a bomb, but its purpose and function eluded him. Why entrust him with such a thing?

"What's this?"

...a gift." Naruto grinned impishly. "Make sure our dear commander opens it. Oh, and be sure to leave afterward. Quickly."

Taking that tidbit to heart, Geralt tucked his parcel away.

"You're not coming with?"

"Of course I'm not." the whiskered warrior quipped.

"Any reason why?"

Naruto blinked.

"Other than the fact that you slugged me? Because I plan to burn it to the ground once you've finished your business, silly." he said it as though it were the most obvious thing in the world. "Besides, this is going to take awhile-

Abruptly, Lena bolted awake, screaming.

"Fuck's sake, woman! Hold still!"

Even muffled by the rag in her mouth, the sound startled both men, drawing a loud oath from the latter. Then came the thrashing, her body bucking upon the thin cot like a wild horse beneath the blond's grasp. Naruto swore virulently and clamped down on her with both hands, all but fastening her in place. Still her struggles intensified. Her eyes burst open, Wild hazel orbs darting across the room, taking in Geralt, Tomira, and Arwen. Then she recognized Naruto and latched onto him for dear life, fingers digging bloody gouges into his arms.

"It hurts!" her voice piqued into a pained keen, "Make it stop!"

A finger shot out, tapping her forehead.

"Sleep."

She went limp at his touch, eyes rolling back.

Naruto grimaced.

"Well. That was unfortunate."

Well, indeed.

Seemed this was his cue.

With a shake of his head the Butcher of Blaviken unbarred the door and set out, not deigning to look back until Arwen slipped out behind him.

 _Wait a minute._

A moment's consideration gave Geralt pause in the dark, pricking at his conscience like a thorn to hold him back. He spared a glance over his shoulder, noticing that the young girl had retrieved both her bow as well as he quiver As he looked on she set them against the ground with ritualistic precision, laying out both arrow and bow alike. Her task completed, she strode but a pace away and abruptly plopped down in the grass. Then as he looked on, incredulous, she closed her eyes and began humming softly. No move was made to reenter the hut on her part. Nor did she sleep, leaving her weapons well within arm's reach. She wasn't standing or even following him, he realized for that matter. She was standing guard.

To make sure nothing escaped the hut.

Reconsidering, Geralt lingered.

"Is he always like that?"

The little she-elf ceased her humming and shook her head, never opening her eyes.

"He's under a lot of pressure." she confessed. "I think he wants to leave."

"Why doesn't he?"

"He can't." came the quiet reply.

"Seems to me like he could."

Irritated, Arwen finally opened her eyes.

"For one so versed in killing monsters you see very little, vatt'ghern." her voice cracked like a whip, harsh and biting. "You also fail to understand the obvious. Witchers protect both worlds. True, if there is a threat they neutralize it. But they also preserve the peace."

Golden eyes narrowed. "Gotta point, there?"

She gave him a cold, piteous expression.

"Sometimes _men_ can be monsters too."

...true enough."

That was all he wished to hear.

"I'll be back."

Her crimson orbs narrowed.

"I'll be here."

He did not return until the sun had risen.

* * *

 _(...Several Hours Later...)_

* * *

Well, _that_ was finally done and now they would have to live with the consequences.

Geralt's visit to the garrison left him with a foul, _foul_ taste in his mouth that had nothing to do with the smoke. In a sense it had proven fruitful, just not for him. Instead of wringing the Nilfgaardian commander for information as he intended, the man had proven stubborn, obstinate and downright fearful. Naruto's assault on supply lines hadn't left the commander all that generous towards Witchers to begin with and his "gift" immediately tipped things over the edge. Though, it could be said that was the _Nilfgaardian's_ fault, not Geralt's. Might have been the attitude.

Condescending prick.

Peter Saar Gwynleve did indeed have an absurd name; and he hadn't taken kindly to the arrival of a Witcher in his camp. As a result, they'd quarreled horribly. One thing soon led to another and in the end Geralt found himself turned out at sword-point, with only directions to meet a hunter alongside and a vague promise to pay him a hefty bounty if he "dealt" with the blond. Obviously, he wouldn't be doing that, but he supposed it no longer mattered in the long run. Gwnleve wouldn't be giving any orders. Not anymore.

That was where Naruto's little "package" came into play.

Not only had the commander been fool enough to make the mistake of opening Naruto's parcel, but he'd made the dual error of waiting to do so until _after_ Geralt's departure. In a sense, he owed the man. If Peter had been foolish enough to open it on the spot, he might well be limping back to Tomira's hut rather than walking. Judging by the roaring inferno that now burned where the garrison had once been, he suspected that their mischievous prankster had planted several of his little surprises int he Nilfgaardian camp beforehand with the intent to detonate them via his little surprise.

It was a very nice explosion; full of sound and thunder and fury.

Under any other circumstance, he might've been inclined to compliment him. There was just one problem. Yennefer's location had gone in smoke with the garrison. He found himself back at square one. All for something as petty as a prank.

 _A prank._

Of course it was a prank.

And a rather deadly one at that.

Bastard had used him without so much as a second thought, barely thinking to warn him beforehand. Geralt had gone back and seen the ruins. Most would perish before the next sunrise. If they received timely magical aid, some might even survive. Pity most of the mages had fled White Orchard or taken up with Naruto's little band of merry men. There was little point in slaying the griffon now but still, he'd found the hunter and done his best to uncover the beast's lair. Seemed the Nilfgaardians had started this mess when they burned out its nest and killed its mate. No wonder the griffon was pissed. Seemed Nilfgaardians were good for nothing but causing trouble these days..

Still, he felt compelled to finish what he'd started, just as he was. Contract or not, there was still a monster about and...

 _...what the hell._

Thought abandoned him as he rounded the bed and came face to face with the very griffon he'd been hunting.

Rather, what was left of it.

Roach whinnied in surprise and nearly threw Geralt from the saddle, forcing the Witcher to calm his mount with a judicious application of Axii. With the wind against him, he hadn't picked up its scent until he was nearly on top of it; now the reek of rotting flesh filled his nose, threatening to make him gag. Evidently it had been dead for several hours now. That only summoned forth more questions from his mind. Why was it here at the herbalist's hut? Where had it been hiding all this time? Whose corpse was that beside it? Why was there another horse tied outside?

Dismounting, the White Wolf left Roach behind and approached the carcass.

Immediately, his keen eyes told him all he needed to know.

Interesting.

 _'Hmm. Body's riddled with arrows.'_

A glimpse of Arwen prowling across the yard answered that question. Even as he looked the young lass bent to retrieve a fallen arrow from the ground, sliding it back into its quiver. Geralt took a moment to observe the little elf as she collected her arrows, shaking his head. It seemed Naruto hadn't spoken in jest when he'd boasted of her legendary archery. More than one shot had found the griffin's eyes.

 _'Huh. Guess she's a good shot after all.'_

Something-or someone-had also broken its neck.

Witcher's shouldn't be able to do that.

Certainly not someone of Arwen's stature.

And were those scorch marks on its wings?

"You bring that down all by yourself?" he called out to the elf, pitching his voice to carry. Arwen saw him at once and shook her head, bell-like peals of laughter carrying across the yard. A few light strides brought her to to his side at once, confounding him even further. The girl appeared to be inordinately pleased with herself, which meant she was likely up to something, _which also meant_ Narutowas up to something as well. After that little explosion, Geralt wasn't much in the mood for anymore surprises.

"No!" she replied giddily, swaying in place as though she were drunk. "Had help!"

"What about the girl? She survive?"

Arwen replied with a mysterious smile.

She gestured towards the hut.

"Yes. But that's not important. You have a visitor."

His slitted gaze strayed toward the lone horse.

"What?"

"See for yourself." she beamed, shooing him towards the hut. "Go. Look!"

Reluctantly, Geralt did as he was bade.

The door creaked open at his touch.

And all the world fell away.

 _"Yen."_

 **A/N: And there you have it! My first stab at a crossover with the Witcher series! I do hope you liked it! Pairings and suggestions are welcome a plenty! And YES, Naruto clearly isn't a witcher, but the incident with his eyes will have most folk thinking he is. Consider it something of a running gag. What'll happen next? Will our knuckle-headed ninja make it home? Will he even want to?**

 **So in the Immortal Words of Atlas...**

 **...Review, Would You Kindly?**

 **And of course, enjoy the preview of an oncoming chapter! There's an expanded one this time. Hopefully updates will come faster as work allows**

 **(Preview!)**

 _A flash of steel was his only warning._

 _Then he saw Lena._

 _Her eyes weren't red, he realized that immediately. Weren't even gold._

 _They were...blue?"_

 _No, not blue, those eerie sapphire orbs seemed to shimmer when he looked directly at them._

 _Geralt bit his tongue._

 _Clearly something had gone wrong._

 _The woman didn't seem right in the head._

 _"Here. For giving a damn."_

 _"One more word and I'll slap you. This I swear."_

 _"Aw," the blond cooed, "You really do love me, Tomi-chan!"_

 _"You used me."_

 _"Aye, I did." Naruto replied, slapping his knees and rising to his feet. "And you beat me bloody. I think one good turn deserves another. Wait, wait," he raised his hands as Geralt took a step forward, "No need to come to blows, man. I know you're angry. You wanted Yennefer? She was in Vizima. Now she's here. See? I can be nice."_

 _Geralt scowled._

 _"You knew."_

 _"I did." the blond replied happily. "And since you were so kind as to deliver that package for me, I did you a solid."_

 _Lena lounged upon a chair, looking every bit as watchful as a dragon guarding her hoard._

 _"I believe you still owe him a favor, darling."_

 _"That I do!"_

 _Naruto rapped the flat of his sword against a gauntleted arm and cackled._

 _"Let's go find that girl of yours, shall we?"_

* * *

 _Naruto eyed the Free City of Novigrad as though it were the plague._

 _A foul odor lingered in the air, threatening to turn his stomach. It reeked of death._

 _Of burnt flesh._

 _"Oh, can we not?!"_

 _Geralt bit back a frown._

 _"Hey, you wanna talk some sense into-_

 _Arwen shook her head rapidly._

 _The White Wolf sighed._

 _"Right, then. Let's get this over with..."_

 _When he looked back, the blond and his charge were both gone._

 _"Shit."_

 _It didn't take long to see where they'd gone._

 _Towards the pyres._

 _For a most unusual had expression had stolen over the blond's features; though he still mustered a tiny smile, his once calm visage now seemed to twitch with the very required to effort to maintain it. He was failing, at that. Spectacularly. His red eyes seemed to burn like coals in his skull, and as Geralt looked on, the blond's composure shattered entirely. A low snarl snaked past his lips and his hand twitched towards his sword and its hilt, fingers curling around the cold weapon with obvious intent._

 _As if sensing his intentions, Arwen tensed._

 _"Naruto, don't-_

 _Too late._

 _ **"I'll fucking gut him."**_

 _What happened next would forever live on in infamy._

 _ **R &R~! =D**_


	5. I Hate Magic

**A/N: Bit of an author's note here, but I'm back! Miss me guys?!**

 **So, one reviewer gave me a bit of flak for Naruto ALLOWING Geralt to beat him senseless. Seriously, guy? If Geralt can allow DANDELION of all people to give him a sound thumping for the sake of friendship, then why can't Naruto?! I thought I made it clear he was allowing it to let good ol' Geralt blow off some steam. Its not going to happen again, for crying out loud!**

 **That aside, I appreciate all of the feedback! Keep it coming!**

 **Now to answer your questions!**

 **Q: ...we're going to see some serious attitude from Naruto and Yen's interactions, aren't we?**

 **A: Like you've never seen before.**

 **Q: Can we expect to see a rampage in Novigrad?**

 **A: Hmm. Not a rampage, but a reckoning I'd say. Naruto's not the sort to stand by and let that pass. Certainly not Arwen! Menge and his boys are in for a surprise, as Naruto does NOT adhere to the concept of neutrality. If he sees anyone suffering, be they man, woman, child or nonhuman, he's going to be right in the thick of things and heaven help you if you get in his way. Needless to say, that's going to cause all sorts of trouble...**

 **Q: Why does Naruto allow people to see him as a Witcher when he clearly isn't one?**

 **A: I've said it time and time again, most everyone believes Naruto to be a witcher solely due to his eyes and unique talents. He's protested time and time again, but eventually given up on it. Now a proper sorceress like Yen or Triss might be able to tell the difference but the common peasantry is utterly unable to distinguish Naruto from what he truly is.**

 **Q: Is Kurama dead?**

 **A: Aye, dead and gone, with only his chakra left behind at that. No world breaking powers for Naruto.**

 **Q: So, that healing thing Naruto does, is he making people witchers? Are they witchers?**

 **A: Indeed, in healing he creates pseudo-witchers of a sort, at least that's how most will see it. By all rights, Kurama's chakra is no longer toxic and we all know he's CLEARLY able to give it to others in measured doses. He just hasn't figured out how to simply use it without the aforementioned side effects. It CAN kill if he overloads a weakened body with it, hence the appalling rate of success and his reluctance to use it unless pressed. And NO, to answer another inquiry, it doesn't make the patient sterile by any means. Think of it as giving one's body a "boost" but rather than simply creating chakra, that particular power stays with them the rest of their lives. They can't use "signs" but they have access to a host of other abilities. What are those? You'll soon see!**

 **Q: Aha, I called it! He's going to found his own school, isn't he!**

 **A: Still mum on that, sorry.**

 **Q: Begging your pardon, but how far has Naruto traveled. You stated that he's been to Velen, but has he visited Skellige?**

 **A: Parts of Velen such as Crow's Perch, yes. Skellige, no. Additionally he has yet to see Oxenfurt or Novigrad so he's not entirely away of the mage plight or the nonhuman issue. He certainly hasn't had the time to visit B** **eauclair with the war on!**

 **Q: Uh-oh. Blowing up that garrison isn't going to come back and bite him, now is it?**

 **A: Aye, it is and this chapter signifies that. Emhyr already wants him gone for obstructing his front, but destroying a garrison is going to put him squarely on his shit list.**

 **Q: Can we expect death in this story?**

 **A: A lot of it, aye.**

 **Q: Will you keep diverging from canon?**

 **A: Ah, but of course! For one, as I'm sure you all noticed, Yennefer had to track Geralt down ALONE and without an escort due Naruto's campaign in White Orchard. A relatively small change in the grand scheme of things perhaps in the, but there'll be many more larger ones before this story is through. Another such change being that the Wild Hunt didn't try to attack in White Orchard, this time around. More changes to come! After all, I aim to include the expansions in this story as well! I can't decide whether to have the North win or not, hmm, decisions, decisions...**

 **Q: Is the pairing nailed down yet? Can Philippa be a part of it?**

 **A: Umm...**

 **Q: We gonna see quests and contracts in this?**

 **A: Yes, indeed! Quests and contracts aplenty, some old, others new!**

 **Q: I get the distinct feeling you're going to enjoy writing out the Iron Maiden quest, no?**

 **A: Shhhh! Spoilers!**

 **Alright, and that's all the time we have for today!**

 **Now then...off we go!**

 **The title says it all =D**

 **Oh.**

 **One more thing.**

 **GWENT IS ADDICTING!**

 **Whomever doesn't like it, feel free to skip the section where it crops up. But if you do...**

 **...well, you might miss some stuff.**

 **After all, I DID say this story was going to branch out...**

 _"There are many worlds. It could even be said that there are more of you and I, out there, somewhere."_

 _"I'll take your word for it. One is enough, thank you very much."_

 _"You wouldn't be talking about me now, would you?"_

 _"Both."_

 _~?_

 **I Hate Magic**

 _I hate magic._

 _Hate, hate, HATE it._

 _I'll say it plain; I just don't like it. Not a bit. Magic is inherently different from chakra-you can open portals with it, crush a man's throat, curse him, probably kill him at a glance. Hmm. Actually-second thought-its not all **that** different. Its the **application** of magic that differs from chakra. Not to mention the persecution. In my world shinboi were something to praised and honored. Agents who strove in the shadows for the greater good and prosperity of their villages. Sorceresses, or any who practice magic for that matter, don't seem to serve such a purpose._

 _They are-with the notable exception of those who've taken refuge in White Orchard_ _-a bunch of arrogant, self-serving pricks._

 _Women included._

 _From what folk tell of it, they started a war and everything's their fault._

 _Needless to say, I don't take stock in such rubbish for a second, but after meeting Yennefer I find myself wondering if their isn't a nugget of truth hidden somewhere in this bedrock of lies. After a long chat with her,_ _I'm not even entirely sure I **like** sorceresses for that matter. __She might've helped Arwen and I with the griffin when it attacked, but in all honesty..._

 _...she's a bitch._

 _Not that there's anything wrong with that._

 _Others might find her perfectly likable._

 _I just find her a bit prickly, that's all._

 _And by prickly I mean she's got a tongue-so-sharp-she-could-cut-you with it scarce as look at you._

 _I've known her for all of half a day now and I'm already ready to hit her with a prank. Or two. Maybe three. Possibly even four. Perhaps then she'd get off her high horse and stop talking down to me. Who knows?_ _Yet I'm fairly certain Geralt's in love with with the crazy wench._ _At least I think he might be._ _Bugger's hard to read. Do Witcher mutations truly strip a man of emotion? I wonder..._

 _Right, right, Lena's poking me so I must be getting off track._

 _Oh, her? She survived. Tried to gut me afterward, but she's alive._

 _Downright healthy too, if you ignore the...ahem...side effects of our little cure._

 _Long story short, I've got another one on my hands. Ain't that just fucking peachy._

 _I REALLY need to figure this healing thing out, and soon. Especially considering where I am._

 _If someone had told me a week ago that I'd meet the White Wolf himself, I'd have called 'em crazy. If they'd then told me we'd both be summoned by one of the most hated men in existence, I would've laughed in their face. Now I'm in Vizima, about to meet with Emperor Emhyr van Emreis himself. The White Flame dancing on the graves of his foes indeed! Fucking honored. Hmm. I wonder if I...nah. Too risky. Gah, being here makes me worry about White Orchard. Can they defend themselves without me and Arwen? For how long? Fuck._

 _I hate Nilfgaard._

 _And, yes. I despise magic._

 _Don't much like sorceresses either._

 _Especially those thrice damn portals of theirs!_

* * *

 _(...With Our Heroes in Vizima...)_

* * *

"I didn't expect the the Lord of White Orchard to be well-versed in literature."

Naruto's first instinct was to fling his journal into Yennefer's smug face.

"I don't know about this "Lord" business, but yeah, that'd be me."

"Hmm. There's a first time for everything, I suppose."

Only years of training prevented him from acting on that urge. Instead he painted a thin smile on his face and spoke, finishing scratching his latest entry into his leather bound tome and stood. His doublet chose that very moment to pinch horribly where it had no business pinching, and his smile grew strained indeed. Arwen's hiss of discomfort proved far less restrained. Blasted guards taking their armor and weapons! More fools they, for a ninja was never unarmed. Naruto knew he could render this entire study a flaming mess if the whim struck him. Arwen and Lena could raise all sorts of chaos if they chose, as well.

Fortunately, neither was feeling particularly pugnacious towards Yennefer at the moment.

Realizing the sorceress in question was gazing at him with a most quizzical expression, Naruto relented with a sigh and moved to join her at the table. It really was a nice study all things considered; more than enough books to keep his wards occupied for the time being. Furthermore, a roaring fireplace lent the room plenty of light, and if that weren't enough a minstrel and his lute provided a rather pleasant ambiance. Naruto might even have considered it cozy...if it weren't for the guards that shadowed his every move. Still, they were forbidden from outright restraining him so he supposed that was a plus.

Even if he had to wear this insipid suit.

"So?" he sighed, stubbornly stifling the impulse to sweep the many maps off the table. "Find anything interesting in these maps of yours? Maybe you could tell me what's going on?"

"Perhaps." the sly sorceress replied, covering a portion of Velen with her hand with he moved to look at it. "But we shall wait for Geralt to join us first."

"Right." red eyes rolled. "Wouldn't wanna upset your lover."

Yennefer favored him with a decidedly stern expression.

"Quite. He might beat you senseless again if you do."

A muscle jumped in the shinobi's jaw.

"Alright. I'll bite. Who or _what_ crawled up your ass and died?"

Yen's expression proved almost comical.

"I...beg your pardon?"

"You heard me." Planting his palms firmly upon the oak table, Naruto spun to face the dark-haired woman, unable to maintain his pleasant facade any longer. "You've been sniping at me from the moment we met. Kinda bitchy of you, frankly. So? What's the problem?"

"For Geralt's sake, I'll pretend you didn't say that just now." turning to face him fully. "Watch your tone. I'm no mood for dull jests."

Despite himself, Naruto bridled.

"Oh, really? How _kind_ of you!" he bit out, rising to his full height to leer down at her. "Then perhaps _I_ shouldn't _pretend_ you aren't working for the man responsible for bringing famine and war down upon half the North. Do you have any idea how incursions I had to put down because your patron got it into his head to expand his glorious empire? How many _rapes_ I dealt with on a weekly basis? Murders? Never mind the ploughin' robberies and kidnappings. So no, I don't think I'm going to pretend at all. You're being downright nasty to me, so I see no reason not to return the favor with interest."

Violet orbs narrowed.

 _"Careful,_ now."

 _"You_ be careful, witch." Lena's smooth voice carried from across the room. "Keep insulting him and I'll chuck one of these bestiaries at your head."

"Must you be so-

Yennefer arched her neck to reply, but momentarily found herself flummoxed just by looking at the young woman. At first glance one might mistake her for a Nilfgaardian beauty or a noble; all pale skin and rosy cheeks in full bloom of youth, firm curves wrapped up in a dark gown, her equally ebony hair coifed into a long, elegant braid over her shoulder. The sorceress knew better. This was no princess, or even a lady in waiting. She'd seen her bloody and covered in filth back in White Orchard. All in all, she cleaned up rather nicely. Still, those strange orbs still baffled her.

Witcher eyes clearly, and yet...not.

They weren't even gold.

They were...blue?"

No, not blue, those eerie sapphire orbs seemed to shimmer when she looked directly at them. Just like the elf's, yet not so. Even for her lack of weapons she seemed to radiate a singular menace; one that left her loath to take up the dark-haired woman's challenge. Clearly something had gone wrong when she'd been healed, but even now she knew not what. The woman didn't seem right in the head, but there was more to it than that she feared. For Lena's entire body seemed...coiled somehow, ready to spring at her given the slightest provocation.

In the end, she held her tongue and turned her wrath back to the outraged blond.

"I'll thank you not to associate me with the acts of common thugs, Naruto."

It was precisely the wrong thing to say and Yennefer realized too late.

"Is that so?" the words were spoken with cool calm, but she sensed the venom in them all the same. "I wasn't aware you thought so _little_ of those in my care."

"That wasn't what I-

 _"Enough."_

Pivoting from the table, the red-eyed warrior rounded on her with an unexpected burst of speed; so much so that the wind from his sudden passage sent the maps sailing from the table in a flutter of dry parchment. Yennefer scarcely noticed; rather, found herself _very_ gladdened that he wasn't armed. Had he been, she might've expected a blade in the gut. Such, was his expression. As it were, his sudden proximity forced her to take a swift step on her back foot, retreating in the face of his anger.

"There's no need for violence." She'd meant to sound haughty when she said this, but it escaped on a squeak of surprise. It sounded weak. She despised weakness. Thoughts writhed in her mind like maggots through rotten flesh, causing her to fidget restlessly.

"Tough." as though sensing this very thought, the ninja snarled. "I've lost all the fucks I give."

And just like that, her fury came roaring back.

"And _I've_ lost my patience."

"Too damn bad!"

And then, abruptly, that anger in his eyes withered away.

"Fuck's sake." The blond's shoulders slumped suddenly and he palmed his face, shaking his head. "Why are we even arguing? You know what? I've had about all I can stand of you today." the word escaped him on a sigh. "So just tell me what the hell you want or leave me the hell alone alone. I'm outta here." before Yen could think to slip in another verbal riposte of her own he turned his back on her and made good on that very threat; stalking towards the door. The abruptness of his departure caught her flatfooted, leaving her momentarily agape.

"Where are you going?"

"Gonna play some gwent." came the reply. "That one guy in the hall had a few good cards. Think I'll rob him blind. Maybe good ol' Emhyr himself has something tucked away...

Yennefer paled.

"You can't be serious."

"I'm always serious about gwent!" Naruto declared, thumping his chest with a fist. "Robbing the emperor blind?" he turned, flashing a snaggle-toothed grin at his escort. "Hmm. Well, that really depends on my mood, I think. So? You boys feel up to stopping me?"

Fully realizing the blond was attempting to get a rise out of them, Yennefer thrust herself between them.

"We're his _guests,_ you blond buffoon! If you dare jeopardize-

"What's that? Couldn't hear you over the _nagging."_

Her hands curled into furious fists.

"Come back here at once!"

"Don't wanna~!"

 _Drat._

Who did this fool think he was?! From the moment they'd met, he'd challenged her at every turn, poked and prodded then gave as good as he got. Whenever she snapped at him he rose to the occasion and batted her own words back at her anew; as though just _daring_ her to attack. It was almost admirable. Almost. Under any other circumstance she might've actually enjoyed the banter. Now? With her nerves frayed and the pained, agonizing knowledge that Ciri was in danger? Yennefer _wanted_ to strangle him! She wanted to wrap her hands around his throat and give him a good hard shake besides! How dare he! How dare he argue with her like this only to leave and make _her_ seem the villain?

 _"Aargh!"_

Not a heartbeat later, Yennefer's a shelf's worth of books sailed across the room.

"Not today, sweetheart!"

Quick as you please, the shinobi cackled aloud and shot out the door like an arrow loosed from a bow, quickly closing the former behind him before she could make her mar; thus leaving the leather-bound tome to crash harmlessly against the wooden frame. Chuckling to himself over her indignant oath, he left the sorceress to her hissy fit and made for the courtyard. Or what served as one. He couldn't rightly call it a _palace_ by itself but the grandeur of it wasn't lost on him, nor the fresh, open air in his aching lungs. Hmm. Might be a problem, that. Should probably have someone take a look at it.

Dismissing such concerns as inconsequential, he left the sorceress behind with Arwen and Lena's laughter.

Let her sulk.

He sought a far greater prize.

Making a beeline for the target in question, he found them reclining on a stone bench near the back of the courtyard, none the wiser of who was bearing down on him. That blissful ignorance wouldn't last for long if he had anything to say about it.

"Oi, you! Yes, you! With the hat! Care for a round of gwent?"

A noncommittal grunt was the answer...

...until the man looked up.

A moment passed.

Then another.

And then:

"You?!"

The blood draining from the merchant's face was truly a sight to behold; his jaw actually came unhinged for a moment, leaving him agape, gawping. No doubt he recognized his face from the wanted posters. Already he could see gears turning in the man's mind; the Nilfgaardian pondering whether it would be wiser to call the guards or simply flee. In the end, judging by the dark stain emanating from his breeches, Naruto suspected the man had simply surrendered to fear and momentarily lost control of his bladder.

 _'Instilling fear in fools. Never gets old..._

"Me." Naruto replied verbally with a flourish, making a face to match the likeness of the poster. "Oh, don't worry. I'm not here to murder Nilfgaardians. Just wanna play a few rounds of Gwent. You game? I'm willing to make a little wager. Whaddya say we start at...I dunno...a hundred?" when it appeared the man might prove recalcitrant, he thumped down a large pouch of coin on the table to cement his claim. Needless to say, this produced the desired effect. As swiftly as that thorny terror had bloomed in those beady eyes, so too was it torn aside and replaced by avarice. It seemed greed could outweigh even fear sometimes.

"W-Well, when you put it that way...

Naruto restrained a grimace.

Times like these, he almost understood Arwen's scorn for humanity.

Pleased that his gambit had paid off, the blond slid onto the bench opposite him and pulled out his deck.

He wasn't disappointed.

"Right, then. Ooh, and you've got a Nilfgaard deck? Not surprised, you being a loyal patriot and all." he feigned an innocent smile. "More of a Northern man myself...hopefully I'll learn a few things."

What followed was a thoroughly one-sided trouncing that left said patriot wishing he'd never met the man. Oh, he possessed a stellar deck to be certain and against another play he might well have triumphed. However, he, like so many others before him, made a singular mistake. He underestimated a shinobi. Five games passed and with each successive victory, Naruto's coin pouch grew that much larger. In short order he had a fresh set of rare cards under his belt, and most of the man's possession's aside. Good. Beaming, he tucked them aside. His newfound winnings would go far towards equipping his companions.

He was only _just_ considering allowing his unlucky victim a chance to win everything back when a familiar voice intruded on his thoughts.

"So this is where you were." Geralt said, coming into the courtyard.

Naruto perked up, delighted by the distraction.

Notably, the Witcher had reclaimed his armor and weapons, which led him to believe that he'd survived his meeting with Emhyr.

It also meant he had information.

"Ah, Geralt!" Beaming, the blond beckoned to the table. "We were just having a friendly chat. Care for a round a' gwent?"

"No more!" seeing the White Wolf, the nobleman wailed aloud and threw up his hands in supplication. "Mercy! Please, master witcher! He's all but fleeced me! I haven't anything left!"

Naruto arched an eyebrow.

"Still have most fo your clothes. Lay 'em out."

Naruto's unfortunate victim made a squelching sound; thus Geralt saw the man's face and took pity on him. After a moment's thought, he waved the stricken nobleman away. Poor sod didn't need any prodding-he all but bolted the moment the bearded witcher finished making the gesture. Eager to escape, that one. So why did it feel like _he_ was the one walking into a drowner's nest? Exhaling in a long suffering sigh, he reluctantly laid claim to the vacated space. It was only then that Geralt noticed the headgear Naruto was wearing. Indeed, how could he not?

...did you have to take his hat?"

The blond tilted his head.

"Too much?"

 _"Too much."_

"Fine." with a swift shake of his head, Naruto discarded the hat and sent it sailing into a nearby fountain.

"That really necessary?"

"Yup." he beamed in a long-suffering sigh, claiming the vacated seat. "Wanna make a wager?"

"What for?"

Those red eyes turned sly.

"Weeeeeeeell," he sang, "I happened across this _fascinating_ diagram back in White Orchard. I'll even throw in a crossbow, win or lose."

"Think it'll be that easy?"

A wicked gleam sparked to life in the blond's eyes.

"Nothing simpler, Geralt. Nothing simpler."

"Pull out your deck, then."

"Have at you!"

They laid their cards out in short order and to Geralt's disbelief, the blond proved he possessed a somewhat decent deck. No, more than decent. Though clearly incomplete, he'd amassed a notable array. A number of hero cards among them, if he recalled the outlines. It remained to seen whether he knew how to use them, however. Where the hell had he gotten them all?

The game that followed proved diverting indeed.

"So?" Naruto asked, laying down a Ves card to start the round at five. "How'd it go?"

Geralt glowered at his hand and after a moments consideration, answered with Sile de Tansarville at range, evening the field.

"Coulda been better."

His companion cocked a blond brow.

"Hey, I heard of her. Sile-something-or-other, right?" he remarked, almost casually flicking a level six siege card down. "Whatever happened to her?"

"Wanna hear the long story or the short version?" Geralt retaliated with one of his own, only to scowl as the blond blithely played a scorch card and sent his score plummeting back from whence it came. Before he could think to return the favor Naruto swooped in with a decoy, snatching his siege engine from danger. Not so for the Ves card he'd played. Naruto didn't so much as bat an eyelash at the loss, throwing it into his discard pile without so much as a second thought.

"Short, please." the whiskered warrior hummed, returning his siege to the fray," I'd like to get on with thrashing you."

Geralt was determined to do just that to him, so too said the trebuchet he laid down. "Let her get away. Letho, too."

"And?" Naruto actually paused, gazing at him intently.

The White Wolf blinked, confused.

"And what?"

"Don't keep us in suspense, man!" the blond slapped down a ranged Zoltan (Five) card with enough force to make the table shake. "What about Iorveth? Or Saskia? Out with it!" Despite himself, Gertalt felt the ghost of a smile pluck at the corners of his bearded mug. He hadn't expected to see the young man so animated over ancient history. Shaking his head, he deployed a Blue Stripes Commando (Four) Only to experience a biting frost that all but crippled his close combat units. Blasted clever!

"How much have you heard?"

"Only the juicy bits, I assure ya." Naruto waved him on, laying down impenetrable fog for good measure." C'mon, spill the beans!"

Realizing he wouldn't escape without answering the question, Geralt heaved a small sigh.

"Helped Iorveth and freed Saskia." he relented. "Haven't seen either since then."

"And what about Philipa?" Naruto asked. "Heard some ghastly stuff about her."

"Radovid put her eyes out. Afterwards, she turned into an owl and escaped."

"Had a hand in that, did ya?" Naruto laughed.

...rather not talk about it."

"See, that's unusual." Naruto remarked, depositing a measly infantry unit in place of his combat reserves. "I might have _seen_ an owl a week back. Though it was just a big hawk at the time, but eh, maybe I was wrong? As to a dragon...hmm...well, seeing as I don't rightly know what one looks like, so I couldn't tell you. Might wanna ask Arwen. And are you gonna pass or not? You haven't put any cards down in awhile. As to our shared friend Iorveth, we _did_ encounter a band of Scoia'tael. One of 'em might've been him. Or he could've hid his face. Dunno. I don't exactly know what he looks like, remember?"

Geralt restrained a shudder.

Iorveth aside, he was far more concerned at the prospect of Saskia. True enough, he had freed her from Philipa's spell, but the idea of an angry dragoness rampaging across the countryside was not an enviable one. He didn't envy anyone who crossed her. Much less Philippa.

"Aaaaand got ya!" Naruto declared in triumph, throwing down a ballista.

Observing his shoddy hand, the Witcher ceded the round.

"Damnit, pass."

"Ha!" Naruto crowed as they discarded their cards while he drew a new one, as was his right. "Still, that was generous of you. Letho? I'd have killed 'em for framing me like that. Mighta been smarter to kill him."

"Thought you didn't like killing." Geralt inquired.

"I make an exception for assholes." his partner-in-cards chirped, starting the round down a Dethmold card at range for a count of six.

"Oh?"

"Only good enemy is a dead enemy." the blond's head bobbed as he watched Geralt retaliate with a siege tower of his own, forcing him to consider his hand. "Humiliating 'em works too, but its risky. Take Emhry for example. I'd be well within my rights to try and kill him now, but that'd stir up a storm I'm not yet ready to deal with. So, humiliation it is. He wants to kill me, but knows he can't...yet. I'm not so foolish as to let my guard down in a place like this."

Geralt's glower deepened slightly.

"Speaking of humiliating...

 _"Uh-oh."_

"You used me." he growled, throwing down Sabrina at range (Four) to the blond's bemusement.

"Maybe I did. Maybe I didn't." Naruto replied, slapping down yet _another_ siege card at an eight, much to the Witcher's annoyance. "You beat me bloody back in White Orchard. I think one good turn deserves another. Wait, wait," he raised his hands as Geralt show him a dark glower, "Let's have bygones be bygones. No need to come to blows, again. I know you're angry. You wanted Yennefer? She was in Vizima. Now you're here. With her. See? I can be nice."

After a moment's consideration, Geralt shrugged and made to counter with one of of his own.

A costly mistake, that.

"And scorch again!"

The Witcher's scowl deepened as he found himself forced to discard another unit.

"You knew about Yen."

"I did." the blond replied happily, tossing down a Prince Stennis spy card, thereby drawing two free cards from his deck at the cost of handing Geralt five points, forcing the older Witcher to counter with Siegfried at a measly five. "And since you were so kind as to deliver that package for me, I did you a solid. By the way." beaming, Naruto pointed to the board. "You've lost."

"Wait, what?" stupefied, he found he actually had, or was about to; he possessed a mere two cards while the blond retained several more, his score near astronomical by comparison. He'd been so distracted by their conversation that he hadn't given the game much thought. To his annoyance.

A muscle jumped in his jaw.

"Damnit. Double or nothing?"

To his disbelief, the blond actually shook his head.

"I said I'd give you the crossbow regardless, remember?" he declared, tapping the side of his head. "You'll get it, just as soon as I retrieve my things. Don't be greedy-ah, what the hell." shrugging, he collected his deck and stood in one fell swoop. "You can have the diagram. Not like I've much use for it any way. 'Sides, you'd get more use out of it than I would."

"Just like that?"

The ninja nodded.

"Yup. Just like that."

"Why?"

Naruto blinked.

"We're friends, aren't we?"

Remarkably, Geralt found he didn't bear Naruto any ill will.

Not just over this recent loss, but for everything; the blond genuinely didn't seem to bear him any ill will. If he did, he was doing a remarkable job at hiding it. In any case, he certainly wasn't afraid to tell him the truth to his face. That he didn't care a wit for Emhyr also helped his case. Unbidden, a wry smile tugged at the corner of his mouth. Hmm. He might not be so bad after all. Time and time again he'd proven he was willing to stand up for what was right-so much for the vaunted witcher neutrality-and walk through hell to get it. They were alike in that aspect.

So he told him about Ciri.

To his credit, Naruto listened intently until he finished, not interrupting. Not a once. And when he was completed his tale, the blond nodded.

"So?" he asked, climbing to his feet. "Where do we start?"

Geralt actually blinked at that.

"You don't owe me anything."

 _"Ha!"_

Lena's laughter startled him; he turned to find the dark-haired woman lounging upon a nearby chair, looking every bit as watchful as a dragon guarding her hoard. Where had she come from? He hadn't even heard her footsteps, which was unusual in and of itself. Turning her cheek, the woman-or was she a witcheress?-rose from her perch and glided to Naruto's side.

"I believe you still owe him a favor, darling."

"That I do!"

With a grunt, he rapped one hand against his chest and cackled.

"Let's go find that girl of yours, shall we?"

"Gotta talk with Yen, first."

Naruto felt his smile wither away.

"Yeah, about that...

"What did you do?" Geralt sighed, trailing after his ally.

"I _maaaaaaaay_ have riled her up a bit."

"How much is a bit?"

Naruto grimaced quietly.

"She threw a bookcase at me."

 _"Shit."_

 **A/N: Novigrad and Velen next chapter and booooooooy is it going to be a doozy! And there you have it! My first stab at a crossover with the Witcher series! I do hope you liked it! Pairings and suggestions are welcome a plenty! And YES, Naruto clearly isn't a witcher, but the incident with his eyes will have most folk thinking he is. Consider it something of a running gag. What'll happen next? Will our knuckle-headed ninja make it home? Will he even want to?**

 **So in the Immortal Words of Atlas...**

 **...Review, Would You Kindly?**

 **And of course, enjoy the preview of an oncoming chapter! There's an expanded one this time. Hopefully updates will come faster as work allows! MAJOR CHANGES incoming!**

 **(Preview!)**

 _"I believe you."_

 _"Then...!"_

 _"But that won't save you. Now **...burn."**_

 _That was the last Radovid heard before Naruto took hold of his face and shoved it into the fire._

* * *

 _"You're an idiot."_

 _The Bloody Baron sputtered in disbelief, rubbing his fractured jaw._

 _"The fuck you say?" he gawped up at the White Wolf, stupefied, unable to believe how easily he'd been knocked on his arse. Anger purpled his visage. "Did you just ploughin' hit me?! Is he with you?!"_

 _Naruto barked a laugh._

 _"No, no, I think I'll just let Geralt handle this..._

* * *

 _"What are you?"_

 _"Ah, I'd almost forgotten how amusing it is, dealing with your kind." Gaunter O'Dimm smiled. "Do you wish to know?" in the silence, he shook his head, a grim smile affixed to his gaunt features. "_ _No, you don't. I shall spare you this once, provided you don't ask again._ _Now, then." a hand thrust itself through the bars of his cage. "What do you say? Would you like to disembark? Oh, don't give me that look. I've no interest in throwing you to the wolves-or should I say sharks-as it were. You're far too interesting for that."_

 _Naruto eyed the offending palm as though it were the plague._

 _...you do know I can probably break out on my own."_

 _"Perhaps." Master Mirror replied. "Perhaps not."_

 _"Oh?"_

 _"You may have learned to revive the dead, but can you revive yourself if you lose your head?" O'Dimm replied with a suave smile. "No? I think not. Come now, let's be reasonable; with your hands bound like that, you won't be able to do much of anything when the headsman comes for you. Not to mention poor Arwen. Or even Lena." seizing on the latter's scowl, Master Mirror's smile deepened. "I see I've hit a nerve! Whatever will become of your allies without those hands of yours to guide them? Such a pity..._

 _A growl snaked between the bars._

 _"Unlock these shackles and I'll show you what I can do with my hands."_

 _...you might well do better than most, but no, I think not."_

 _Naruto's scowl deepened imperceptibly._

 _"Say I accept your offer. What's the catch?"_

 _His benefactor laughed._

 _"A catch? Ha! Life is a catch! I suggest you catch it while you can! Suffice it to say, I will free you from this vessel. The rest is up to you."_

 _...fine."_

 _Twisting to reach the offered limb, he reluctantly accepted his hand._

 _"Excellent! But first, a little something to remember me by."_

 _"Wait, wha-AARGH!"_

 _A hiss of pain tore itself from him as something burned itself into the right side of his face._

* * *

 _Arwen's shriek of surprise came too late._

 _"Look out!"_

 _Snick._

 _Attacked from behind, Naruto stumbled in surprise, startled to realize someone had actually gotten the drop on him through no fault but his own. His act of mercy, backfired. Spectacularly. A blaze of fire roared up his right side as he turned, clutching at the thin razor protruding from his back. A bloody cough erupted from him as he turned to face the one who'd dared-literally-stab him in the back. No, now he couldn't even feel that. Poison? He saw Arwen out of the corner of his eye, watched her bring her bow down hard on his assailant's head, screaming, but too late. His vision was already swimming. Cold. He felt...cold._

 _"Are you...fucking serious?"_

 _With faltering steps, he reached back and ripped the razor from his back._

 _Mistake._

 _The pain came howling back and the ground rushed up to meet him._

 _ **R &R~! =D**_


	6. I Love Revenge

**A/N: So there's a bit of an author's note here, but I'm back! Miss me guys?!**

 **Many thanks to Dylan Millwood, without whom this chapter would have never existed. He's been a good friend and a helpful co-writer, loyal to a fault. Go and check out his stuff!**

 **Now then, onward!**

 **After all, I DID say this story was going to branch out...**

 **(EDIT: I rewrote a bit towards the bottom regarding Naruto saving someone as well as another bit. It was a typo and needed fixing.)**

 **Of course, reviews feed my engine of creation, and I appreciate them!**

 _"...there's a hole in your back."_

 _"Yes, I was quite aware."_

 _"How are you alive?"_

 _"Not telling!"_

 _~?_

 **I Love Revenge**

 _Need I say more?_

 _There can be no sweeter satisfaction than turning the plans of your enemy on their head. Be it delight or disaster, there's just something sublime about it. Nothing simpler. Everyone loves their plans, their schemes, plots and peddling; only to fall into despair when it fails. Their hope turns to ash in their mouth and there's that fleeting moment of realization. Their eyes widen. They fall short of breath. Start speaking gibberish. Because they know you've outplayed them. That all their plans have come to naught. That they're in for a bad time._

 _Now, I'm not the sort to visit that sort of debauchery upon any random passerby, no, no, no._

 _That would be unbecoming of a shinobi._

 _I'm more selective when it comes to my targets. Especially when said target enjoys less savory activities in broad daylight. Hmm? What kind of activities you ask? Well, you'd need to be more specific. For instance, I have absolutely no qualms with a farmer defending himself from brigands. Hell, I'd happily led the poor sod a helping hand and give his attackers a swift kick in the balls besides. But if you're asking me to sanction the acts of a cult of deluded flame worshipers, to let their acts stand..._

 _Setting innocents afire._

 _Slaughtering nonhumans._

 _Burning people at the stake._

 _A man might take issue with that..._

* * *

 _(...With Our Heroes...)_

* * *

Velen.

Some might find it beautiful.

Others would call it outright hideous.

 _Arwen was explicitly of the latter opinion._

The very land itself was rife with crimson cadavers; corpses dropped in the fields, hanging from the trees, strewn out across empty battlefields. This had been a place of death and war. There could be no life here. Crows descended in droves to feast upon the carrion. Feral dogs and much worse roamed the woods. Bandits and highwaymen hounded and impeded their progress at every turn, until finally they drew steel on the lot and beat them back from whence they came. And her people lived here? In this savage land?

Every step felt like an insult to their memory.

She had an even _lower_ opinion of the city they were about to enter.

Had she known the mind of her guardian, she would've thought otherwise.

Naruto eyed the Free City of Novigrad as though it were the plague. A foul odor lingered in the air, threatening to turn his stomach. It reeked of despair. For someone so finely tuned toward emotions-indeed, able to sense them-the sprawling city before them threatened to crush his spirit entirely. This...was not a good place. A pall of despair seemed to hang over the city like a shroud, choking the life out of it. Strange smells assaulted both his psyche and his nose alike; the rank of raw sewage, the filth that came from too many unwashed bodies crammed into a space entirely too small for them and there, above it alll..

Burnt flesh.

"Oh, can we not?!"

Geralt bit back a frown.

"Hey, you wanna talk some sense into-

Arwen shook her head rapidly.

The White Wolf sighed.

"Something against the free city, I take it?"

Naruto stopped dead; slitted, ruby eyes locked on the other man's yellow ones.

"You mean other than the fact that it's the base of that filthy cult of the Eternal Fire these days and they fuel that fire with the flesh of those they burn alive in the streets?" He retorted, eyes blazing even as his dry retort left his lips. "Yeah, we're gonna have a bad time here."

Geralt frowned.

"What makes you say that?"

The blond grunted at that.

"Heard about it when the goons of that arse, Radovid the Witless, tried going after a few of the healers in White Orchard." he rolled his shoulders in an expressive shrug. "Crazy Thursday...messy, too. Long story short, the "free city" is a cesspool with the collective mindset of that bastard Jacques de Aldersberg...just like Radovid likes it."

Those eerie red eyes regarded the gate with a hint of concern.

"Lets just do our business and be done. I don't like the feel of this place."

The White Wolf, considered arguing the point, and frowned. If that were true, the odds of finding Triss were going to be slim to none then. That wasn't news he wanted to hear. Would make finding Ciri before the Wild Hunt did difficult. And Jacques de Aldersberg...he remembered the Grand Master of the Order of the Flaming Rose. He'd founded the Order upon remnants of the Order of the White Rose, but had taken its underlying philosophy in a radical and uncompromising direction. A fanatical follower of the Eternal Fire, he aimed to overthrow King Foltest, bring about a new age and destroy all non-humans, whom he viewed (at best) as relics of the past.

Using stolen Witchers' secrets, and with the aid of the Salamandra organization, Jacques had created mutant soldiers to uphold the increasingly twisted ideals he espoused. It was clear that he would stop at nothing to achieve his goals. Before joining the Order, it was rumored that Jacques was a vagrant fueled only by his hatred of non-humans.

And if this city was anything like that...

"Alright...guessing you don't like Radovid any more than you do Emhyr."

Remarkably, Arwen was the one to pipe up.

"That's not the half of it."

"That's putting it lightly, kiddo." Naruto grunted, mussing her hair with a gloved hand. "This so-called king horrifically killed people simply because they chose to study something that bothers him. Sure, some magic users are nasty pieces of work but for every such one there's dozens of harmless village healers or travelling herbalists and some mages and sorceresses are downright heroic. And when he runs out of mages, what then? Turns on the non-humans? And what happens in the event the non-humans all leave or get killed off then? Who will that bastard and his thugs torment then? But I digress. Just know if we're going there, things _WILL_ get ugly." the shinobi grunted.

"How ugly?" he asked.

It was never a good sign when a Witcher used that word to describe a situation. As such, he had a bad feeling about that coming from the whiskered young man's mouth.

Naruto scowled.

"If I could, I'd turn the whole city into a blood-drenched crater full of rubble and corpses."

At that, the White Wolf raised a brow. Genocide of an entire city? That was ugly! Well...if Novigrad had really gotten that corrupt, the Wolf had no problem understanding where the young Witcher of the School of the Fox was coming from with that.

"So...if Novigrad has turned as bad as you say...what do you plan to do when we get there?"

 _...this."_

The smirk the blond gave actually had Geralt unnerved as he pulled out a rolled up scroll-from where, the Wolf Witcher had no idea, seeing as his younger counterpart had just a pair of black leather breeches, a black leather jerkin, and black leather boots and gloves along with his Fox School witchers' medallion, and unrolled it to expose a set of unfamiliar ruins that then glowed a faint blue light for a second before there was a poof of smoke that obscured their vision.

How had he done that?! That was no Witcher skill!

Waving their hands, they managed to clear away the small cloud and...

"How did you get those?!" Geralt yelped, his eyes widening as he saw several sets of familiar, frost-covered, skeletal-themed armor on the ground.

"That scar-cheeked daughter of yours and I have met remember?" he hummed, carefully re-arranging his trophies. "Or have you forgotten why you beat on me back in White Orchard?" Naruto said dryly. "That Ciri girl's quite the spitfire. Seen her fight. Added onto that, those freaks chasing her don't ever expect the chase to get turned inside out so the hunters become the hunted _-oi, don't touch that, Arwen."_

The little elf made a noise of annoyance, but withdrew her hand as asked.

Geralt crossed his arms, actually letting out an amused bark of a laugh as he smirked. True, a male calling Ciri a spitfire would have upset him...but then, the Witcher knew better than anyone just how overly appropriate the term was for the ashen-haired girl. As for her powers and fighting abilities, it was reassuring to know Ciri had gotten that skilled. Also good to know the Wild Hunt's numbers had been somewhat whittled down, and the Witcher made a special note that the Hunt never expected the roles to reverse.

"As for Novigrad and it's corruption...was thinking hunting season comes to the 'Free City'." An impish smile plucked at his whiskered cheeks. "This Fox has a few tricks up his sleeves, after all."

Oh...Geralt _hated_ when he was right!

The White Wolf sighed.

"Right, then. Let's get this over with..."

When he looked back, the blond and the armor were gone.

"Shit."

It didn't take long to see where they'd gone.

Towards the pyres.

For a most unusual had expression had stolen over the blond's features; though he still mustered a tiny smile, his once calm visage now seemed to twitch with the very required to effort to maintain it. He was failing, at that. Spectacularly. His red eyes seemed to burn like coals in his skull, and as Geralt looked on, the blond's composure shattered entirely. A low snarl snaked past his lips and his hand twitched towards his sword and its hilt, fingers curling around the cold weapon with obvious intent.

As if sensing his intentions, Arwen tensed and ran after him.

"Naruto, don't-"

Too late.

 **"I'll fucking gut him."**

What happened next would forever live on in infamy.

A flicker of blond hair revealed the blond's location, but too late.

 _Shit._

"No evil can survive the Holy Fire!" a distant voice reached his ears." The Holy Fire enlightens, burns and cleanses! Behold the flame of grace and mercy!"

Too late, he realized what was about to happen.

"Special pyre for you, freak - nice slow burning. You'll beg for mercy in all the voices known to you, like the others of your species!" Caleb Menge shouted, but as he was about to toss the torch onto the pyres-one binding a doppler impersonating Chappelle, the former Temple Guard commander-a hand settled on his shoulder.

 _"Would you care to rephrase those words, you son of a bitch?"_

Clenched knuckles barreled into the side of his face.

"What in blazes?!"

Looming over him with a face fully of complete and utter hate was was tall young man with tanned skin and marks on his cheeks that resembled three whisker marks on each cheeks, he was dressed in a pair of black leather breeches, a black leather jerkin, and black leather boots and gloves; all dark as pitch, like shadows themselves had been folded into cloth. His blond hair stood as a glaringly stark contrast, bright yellow hair that was spiky and stuck up in all directions like the spines of a sea urchin, making it look like rays of the sun in a way.

But what was really telling were the eyes.

Blood red with an animalistic black slit for the pupil.

Thaese and the fox head-shaped medallion made it apparent to Caleb what this being was.

A Witcher.

"And what do we have here?" Turning his head aside, the rabid believer spat out a tooth. "Didn't think we'd see your like here, Witcher."

The young warrior scoffed.

"Drummed-up conspiracies, mass arrests and show trials resulting in group executions...knew this city was a load of shit..."

"You want to join them, freak?"

By way of answer, the blond marched past him. Simply stepped around him and approached the nearest pyre. A clenched fist barreled into the brittle wood, shattering it with ease. Moments later, a knife flicked out. Once, twice, thrice. With smooth, easy strokes he began to cut the captives free. When a guard attempted to intervene with his work, he received a hard cuff on the ear for his troubles. In short order, both doppler and sorceress alike were unbound. Left shivering at his feed, the latter looked at him in wordless disbelief.

"I...you...why?"

"Arwen."

Wordlessly, the little elf appeared by his side and ushered them away.

By then, Menge found himself boiling.

This...this...this fool! How dare he!

"What are you doing?! Witchers are supposed to be neutral!"

"Do I look like I give a damn about neutrality? " the blond asked, flicking a hand to his back. "Now, then...draw."

Menge blinked.

"What?"

"Draw you damn blade... _or I'm going to cut off your bits."_

Geralt palmed his face.

 _'Of course, he flies right off the handle..._

A lone hand closed around the right-most sword and hauled it free with a glimmer of cold steel. Upon drawing his blade, Naruto wasn't surprised when people gawked at it. After all, it was a custom sword Naruto had made himself, having picked up smithing a bit back in White Orchard. It was a single katana-type sword with two reinforced parallel blades forged with one being steel and the other being silver, and both blades having dimeritum mixed into them, with the two blades set a small distance apart from each other.

Of course, no one knew this.

They likely thought it was witchery of some sort.

Their inane fear and suspicion suited his methods just fine.

The design's intent was to trap an opponent's blade between them and disarm them, as well as to leave close-set parallel wounds when it cut an opponent; since wounds of this nature were nearly impossible to stitch closed, infection would be nearly unavoidable and anyone on the receiving end of one of the sword's blows will die a painful death by disease if not cut down in the duel. Rather than being an unbeatable sword, it was a sword that ensured death for its opponents.

"In the name of the Eternal Fire, I strike you down!" Caleb shouted. The man went for an overhead strike with his sword, yet Naruto scoffed at that and his hand shot out. In the next instant, the man's wrist was broken with a sickening snap and his sword fell to the ground with a clatter. Naruto wasted no time stabbing the man in the knee and turning the blade, electing a scream of pain.

"You know there's something I've wondered: What makes the fire you worship so special? I mean, either there isn't anything special about it and your Eternal Fire has no power and those who follow it have been lied to and made to support murder; or, in order to be "eternal", its mystical, which therefore means all who are involved with it's worship are guilty of affiliation with magic, which mean they all must be burnt alive, as decreed by the Church of the Eternal Fire itself!"

A beat of silence passed between them.

Caleb Menge glared, his gaze blazing with utter loathing as, at the words of this _freak_ , the gathered crowd all gasped, then started murmuring among themselves. _This thing had put thoughts into the heads of the masses!_ And with thoughts, Menga knew, came questions! QUESTIONS! If the light of the Eternal Fire was going to maintain its significance, it couldn't permit questions, only obedience! Blind, mindless obedience! For one to think otherwise, to question...that way lay destruction. Perhaps his tormentor knew this.

A fist smashed into his jaw, dashing him from his thoughts and sending him tumbling.

"Well? I'm waiting! Which is it, you piss-suckling zealot? Is the Eternal fire a lie or should every man woman and child that believes in it die for following it? Answer the question! What makes the fire you worship so special? What about it is an different than a common campfire? Answer!"

"Oi! You! Don't speak blasphemy about the Eternal Fire!"

Arwen's shriek of surprise came too late.

"Look out!"

Snick.

Attacked from behind, Naruto stumbled in surprise, startled to realize someone had actually gotten the drop on him through no fault but his own. His act of mercy, backfired. Spectacularly. A blaze of fire roared up his right side as he turned, clutching at the sword protruding from his back. A bloody cough erupted from him as he turned to face the one who'd dared-literally-stab him in the back. He saw Arwen out of the corner of his eye, watched her bring her bow down hard on his assailant's head, screaming, but too late. His vision was already swimming. Turning red with anger, he tilted his head to regard the one who'd tried to strike him down.

"Are you...fucking serious?"

The very guard he'd struck only moments ago sneered up at him from the floor.

Moments later, Arwen carved a fresh red one across his throat.

Infuriated, he backhanded Menge again when the latter tried to strike at his unprotected flank. A chorus of bloody shrieks greeted him as he turned to face the crowd. Moreso as he ripped the blade free from his ribs. Not a crippling wound by any means, but he wouldn't be lying down on that side for awhile. Of course, none of them knew this. They simply assumed this man-this monster-had survived been stabbed right through the guts as if they didn't exist. In their eyes, that made him a monster, or something straight out of divinity. Naturally, such an opinion could swing either way.

Naruto intended to fix the mob firmly in the latter category.

"Well?!" he roared. "What is the Eternal Fire, then?!"

Those watching all started muttering.

What _did_ make the Fire special?

A beat of silence followed.

Followed by another.

Another still.

"WELL?!"

Rather than answer, Menge surprised him. He expected an oath, a rash of vicious vitriol. Something. Anything. To defend himself, at the very least. Instead he simply stood there. Gawping. His mouth hung ajaw, gaping, a fish plucked from water. Anger dawned in his eyes. Followed by fear. Terror. Realization. Naruto saw the exact moment when it dawned upon him; Menge's brief instant of clarity. He knew he'd been had. Tricked. Deceived by someone he'd assumed to be little more than a fool. Funny, that fool had turned his very plans on his eyes. The situation was precarious now, the people restless. One word could turn their confusion to anger, and fan that very anger into mindless, frothing fury.

Grinning, Naruto gave it one final push over the edge.

"Say, doesn't that make you a heretic, then?"

Wordlessly, Menge turned and fled.

 _And all hell broke loose._

 **A/N: More chaos next chapter and booooooooy is it going to be a doozy! And there you have it! My first stab at a crossover with the Witcher series! I do hope you liked it! Pairings and suggestions are welcome a plenty! And YES, Naruto clearly isn't a witcher, but the incident with his eyes will have most folk thinking he is. Consider it something of a running gag. What'll happen next? Will our knuckle-headed ninja make it home? Will he even want to?**

 **So in the Immortal Words of Atlas...**

 **...Review, Would You Kindly?**

 **And of course, enjoy the previews of an oncoming chapter!**

 **(Preview!)**

 _"A Gwent Tournament?! Mine, mine, mine!"_

 _"There's no stopping him when he gets like this..._

* * *

 _Naruto grinned._

 _"Well, hello beautiful..._

* * *

 _A beat of silence passed between the two of his._

 _Then she crushed her lips against his._

 _ **R &R~! =D**_


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